“Fat babies,” Lyle Lovett once famously sang, “have no pride.” And now, if Disney has… “Fat babies,” Lyle Lovett once famously sang, “have no pride.” And now, if Disney has anything to say about it, fat babies won’t have Mickey either.

The Wall Street Journal reported this week that the Walt Disney Company has called a fatwa on using its characters – including but not limited to Mickey, Donald and Scrooge McDuck – to promote unhealthy foods for children. In addition to their colorfully designed iconic images being used to promote healthy foods, Disney has also announced that their amusement parks will be highlighting healthier food choices. The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a group that promotes the cessation of advertising directly to children, was quoted in the Journal article as saying that this move puts Disney “shoulders and” – sigh – “ears” above other corporations who do tie their animated characters to unhealthy food.

“No more will we see 4-year-old children greedily devouring hot dogs smothered in cheese and topped with ranch-flavored bacon bits,” a Disney executive said. “From here on out, it’s just rolled oats, baby, rolled oats and the sweet, sweet sight of non-morbidly obese children.”

Well, actually the executive didn’t say that. I just made that part up. Disney’s decision is, however, seen as a positive development in getting children to make better nutritional decisions. If there’s a box of terribly sugary breakfast cereal with some new CGI-driven Disney film character on it, kids will probably be drawn to that box, as opposed to the one next to it in the cereal aisle that features a smiling octogenarian and a promise of a fiber-filled morning. Children are, after all, pretty bad at long-term health-related planning, not because they’re dumb, but because they don’t really understand basic concepts like “arteries” and “death” yet.

This leads to an unavoidable question, however; why is it that children are the ones picking out their food? Sure, Mickey might be luring them into the scandalously exciting and dangerous world of trans fats, but it isn’t just Mickey. It isn’t just Goofy, either, if that’s where you think this is headed. I’m afraid I am coming to a single, overwhelmingly obvious point about fat kids getting whatever they want at a grocery store/restaurant/street fair/baby concert – like The Wiggles – or anywhere else for that matter. I would like to accuse the parents.

Why is everyone so soft that corporations are fulfilling the role of parents out of fear that they will be sued for obesity in the future by some crafty lawyer? Why does Disney have to take cartoons off of packages of pre-processed meatwiches – I made that product up but I have no doubt that you can find it or something similar to it in a grocery store –