Zombies invade Pittsburgh — Students even surer about leaving after graduation


Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken… Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

It’s been several weeks now since the zombie plague swept through Pittsburgh, and students are still dealing with the aftermath. Students who once had doubts about whether or not they want to leave the city after graduating are now certain.

John Doe began looking for a job in the city months ago, and although he had no luck even before the zombies arrived, he made his final decision to leave shortly afterwards.

“It was already hard enough finding an unpaid internship,” Doe said. “Now there are zombies who will not only work for nothing, they don’t sleep either.”

The number of zombies not killed in the government response has been totaled at approximately 22,000, or about the same number as Pitt’s student population.

Employers prefer the walking dead because they don’t require sleep or regular food. They never leave their workplace and they get along well with each other.

“I wish the virus had struck sooner,” widget factory owner Bob Bobson said. “These zombies are better dressed and more in touch with the needs of corporate America.”

He emphasized the traits that zombies have that he prefers over recent college graduates.

“Zombies don’t act out, speak up or have definable personalities. It’s a great way for us baby-boomers to maintain our dominance of both the business and political worlds,” Bobson said.

Meanwhile, students who spent four years in college learning various vocations have found themselves left out. Even students who wanted to give back to the community are leaving for what they see as better job climates.

Jane Doe graduated from Pitt with a degree in molecular genetics, business administration, English writing, and with a mechanical engineering degree.

But she is still finding it impossible to find a job in the city. She decided to leave for Cleveland after employers told her there was no room in the organizations for her.

“I wanted to give back to the city I lived in for the last few years, but no one wants to hire me,” she said, as she was getting on the bus for the airport. “They said that although I had good grades and great degrees, I can’t work for nothing and that’s what they are looking for.”

She then got on the airport flyer, sat next to John Doe, and waved as the bus departed.

But for some, student flight from the city is puzzling. Local community activist Lisa Lionheart does not understand why students leave right after graduating.

“We have bars, convenience stores, tattoo parlors and hookah bars,” Lionheart said. “We have everything a student would want, so why don’t they stay?”

Lionheart said that students need to find their niche in Pittsburgh.

“They will never get the good jobs because they don’t apply themselves,” Lionheart said. “They should just face reality and get whatever job they can and stay.”

Reality could not be reached for comment.