It’s late, well after the bars have closed, on your average Tuesday night, and the Petersen… It’s late, well after the bars have closed, on your average Tuesday night, and the Petersen Events Center, known affectionately by his friends as “Petey,” stumbles home. He’s drunk again, and the climb up Cardiac Hill sucks big. His formerly shiny glass front has been replaced with sweat-drenched cloudy windows that smell like Elijah Craig. Unable to sleep, he tumbles around his hilltop resting place, his great pillars molesting the nearby panther statue. It’s been months of daily drinking. Petey has bad gas from bar food.

Stadium maintenance seems to pop up in the Pittsburgh news every time it threatens our taxpayers’ big investments. As Pittsburghers, we take pride knowing that while our town may not have the flash of New York City or the stink of Cleveland, we have kick-ass sports teams and kick-ass stadiums to watch them in. We hold our stadiums in a special place near our heart, as well as our cathedrals and the only thing Pittsburghers actually pray to: sports. They’re also home to the kick-ass rock concerts where we go to rock out.

That’s why the news of the Pitt Panthers’ Petersen Events Center needing a new roof only three years after being built has caused quite a stir among the stadium savvy. How did this happen? How will our sports and rocking be affected?! While Pitt has been slow in explaining the reasons behind this costly condition, I believe that the answers lie in the Petersen’s little-talked-about depression that came out of the bad stadium vibe Pittsburgh has been experiencing. We must examine the downward spiral.

The Petersen Events Center was born into the height of Pittsburgh publicity. The nicest basketball arena in town and host to a winning team, the Petersen was soon enjoying a life of luxury. Petey spent many nights partying with the city’s elite, from PNC Park to Heinz Field. The constant newspaper headlines and attention left Petey feeling on top of the world. Then it all came crashing down.

The Panthers’ basketball team had a lackluster season, and quickly Petey’s red-hot status cooled off. Accusations arose that Petey had inappropriately fondled the Duquesne Bubble, and he soon fell in with a bad crowd, namely Mellon Arena. Mellon Arena, known as Iggy — short for The Igloo — had picked up a reefer habit, spending most of the ’70s traveling with the Grateful Dead.

Iggy cleaned himself up and had some good years in the ’90s when the Penguins were winning Stanley Cups, but the NHL fell apart, and concert after concert passed on the aging arena. Iggy relapsed, and soon he and Petey were involved in heavy drinking, reefer-toking and hooker-killing. Many nights were spent up to no good with Pittsburgh’s shadiest, and the two got tangled up with the I.C. Light Amphitheater. For those out of “the know,” the I.C. Light Amphitheater has a solid reputation for being a shady tent and dealing in hard drugs.

One night Petey, Iggy and I.C. got caught up in a drug deal that went south. The three were waiting down by the river to meet Club Laga to score some blow, and little did they know, Club Laga had problems of his own. Since closing, Laga’s wife left him, and he was late on his child support payments.

Desperate for cash, Laga arrived at the meeting late and demanded more money than had been negotiated. An argument broke out, and when Laga pulled a knife, I.C. threw a punch, and by the time it was over, Petey’s roof had given out when he tried to throw Laga against the embankment. Ironically, the building that housed the University of Pittsburgh’s gym had failed to exercise regularly and was out of shape.

Now, the University has to repair Petey’s roof, and nobody is sure who will be saddled with the cost. Pittsburghers, I say we deserve it. We do not respect all of our stadiums and concert venues. We have let some fall into decay and become prey to the inner-city world of drugs and violence so apparent in today’s pop music and cell phone ads. We play favorites, only fixing up our baseball and football stadiums. The others are left in a jealous shadow and fall apart nacho by nacho. We must take pride in our city being host to many great sports champions and musical legends and give money to update all of our venues. If we don’t, we may have one less place to get drunk and yell at our peers in public.

David J. McCarthy has lost his sobriety. Anyone who finds it can e-mail him at [email protected].