I woke up this morning and pulled back the covers. To my amazement, my pajamas had been… I woke up this morning and pulled back the covers. To my amazement, my pajamas had been replaced by a suit and tie. I felt my face to see if I were really myself and discovered that, for the first time in years, I was clean-shaven.

Before I could cry for help, my wife came in, holding our screaming baby boy, warning me that I better get my ass in gear or I’d be late and end up in the welfare line.

Oh, no, I thought: I’m a professional.

My days of showing up to a noon class unwashed and disheveled are over, because I had my last noon class on Friday. A new wardrobe of collared shirts and ties has replaced baseball caps and T-shirts. I wore ties to my job, but now I’m wearing one all the time, because my job is more than six hours a week.

I just didn’t think the change would happen so fast. It’s only been three days and I’ve got a mortgage and a boss like that guy in “Office Space.”

“Uh, yeah, Mike, what’s happening? Look, I’m going to need you to come on Saturday, because we have to play catch-up, ‘kay?”

“Well, sir, I’d prefer to go to a kegger on Saturday, so how about I get a pack of caffeine gum and pull on all-nighter Sunday instead?”

I doubt that’s an acceptable response in the American workplace. Besides, my wife is working six days a week, so we can leave the kid in daycare an extra afternoon. He doesn’t have to see his parents as long as we put down enough money for him.

The next thing I know, Junior is 13 years old and hates my guts. How did that happen? I can’t remember anything about him after his graduation from kindergarten and then I realize that was the last time I saw him.

What a crazy world this is. During our preteen years, everyone around us is telling us to follow our dreams, because we can get anything we want, as long as we try. After high school, our dreams are dismissed as fantastic and unprofitable.

College students have a word for majors like poetry, philosophy and physical education: useless. Our only hopes are the cookie-cutter degrees like business management and computer science, the areas where there are always new openings for fresh-faced go-getters straight out of college.

Either way, we’ll be struggling for every minute and every dollar we can get a hold of for the next 40 years of our lives. With some people believing that they have better chances of seeing a UFO than a Social Security check, we may go to the grave in a business suit.

Like so many others, I have no magic words for success in the world. I haven’t even been in the world yet. But there are certain things more important than money, fame and time.

Happiness isn’t everything, and neither is wealth. Work as much as you need to, and leave the rest of the time for life. Vacations are getting shorter in this country, and you will have to fight for what you deserve. Get some money together, but don’t get caught up in it too much to have some fun.

If you have children, please take the time to be with them for as long as they need you. Always tell them that they are special and that they are just as good as everybody else. Never make promises you can’t keep, because no one forgives less than a child. It’s not going to be easy, but your kids will thank you and you’ll thank yourself.

I know that I am headed for a business with too many applicants and not enough jobs. I plan on getting a job, doing it well and having enough time left over for the other important things in life.

How is all this done? I have no idea. Perhaps we’ll all find out.

Gotta go. My future kid is crying.

Send Michael Mastroianni new ties at [email protected]. He’s going to need them.