I woke up this morning to the tune of birds chirping outside my window and the scream of my… I woke up this morning to the tune of birds chirping outside my window and the scream of my frontal lobe as microwaves from my roommate’s wireless Internet router fried my brain. I tried tuning my silver fillings to pick up National Public Radio, but I had to resort to the boom box when I discovered I didn’t have fillings.

I couldn’t hear the radio while in the shower, so I stuck a fork in my middle ear and tried to point it towards NPR’s broadcasting tower. But then I couldn’t hear out of my middle ear at all. Do I have a middle ear? Argh! It disappeared in the night! Cursed secret ear-stealing organizations!

Yes, it’s true, it often seems that this giant planet-sized computer we live on is a little insane in the mainframe. I know an atheist who put $1,200 in a microwave and set it on fire by turning it on “popcorn” mode after a Jehovah’s Witness knocked on his door and asked if he had found Jesus. One of the $20 bills burnt into the shape of the Virgin Mary. He sold it on eBay for $1,200, plus shipping and handling.

There’s a reason this world seems like it has tilted its axis toward the crazy pole. Does anyone remember when it used to be hip to accept people around us for what they were: gay, black, ugly or even nuts? We all go through the teasing phase of school, when we get called names for whatever is unusual about us.

Everyone picked on my name. Take a look at it. There are all sorts of bad things one can construct out of that last name, and I got called all of them. Actually, I still get called all of them.

But I digress.

We should be accepted for what we are. And thanks to the resurgence of religion having governance in our lives, I’ve heard the reasons for disliking people go from “I just don’t understand his way of life” to “Jesus says all gay people will burn in hell.”

Religion may be a shield, but it should never be a sword. If it protects you under the law, it should never be used to attack other people.

If you want to be accepted for who you are, try setting an example by accepting others. If the First Amendment means nothing else, it means everyone has the unalienable right to be left alone.

Personal beliefs should be just that — personal. I cringe every time I hear someone speaking for God or any other religious figures. The meaning of Biblical quotes and passages used in other texts have been perverted beyond recognition by zealots and “defenders of freedom.”

I was reading “Lord of the Rings” the other night, trying to let my mind escape from the impending doom that awaits us all, and I realized that Aragorn kicked some serious Orc ass, helped defeat the forces of evil and became king, all without even saying the word “God.” The best stories are not about mystical religious powers, but men and women with strong moral courage that they didn’t get from quoting chapter and verse.

During the fight over the fate of Terri Schiavo, does anyone know how many senators were present on the voice vote that passed the emergency measure trying to shift jurisdiction on the matter? Three. That is not democracy. That is a segment of government trying to capitalize on a popular issue to gain the moral high ground. But the real result was a race to the bottom line.

Of course, we didn’t hear about that during the fight over Schiavo’s clinical life or death, and interest faded quickly when journalists capitalized on the death of Pope John Paul II.

So these days, all I can do is sit huddled in a corner, listen to National Public Radio (the least adulterated news source I know) and try not to go totally mad every time I leave the house and see what the world is like these days.

Hey, my toast is done! I saw it land on the roof next door!

Too late.

Michael Mastroianni is issuing one last desperate cry to “stop the madness.” E-mail him at [email protected] if you found his toast.