Truth be told, I’m a skeptical person. I rarely believe gossip and rumors when I first hear… Truth be told, I’m a skeptical person. I rarely believe gossip and rumors when I first hear them, and generally agree that when something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

This doesn’t make me Oscar the Grouch or a pessimist. No, my martini glass is half full — I just need a little convincing, that’s all. Take Britney and her new scuzzball hubby — I’m not really sure that’s going to last. I’m not holding my breath waiting for our landlord to fix the lock on our front door, and I’m willing to bet that buying basketball season tickets online will once again turn into a fiasco — same as every year.

More than anything, I have serious doubts about people who try to assume the persona of an uber-serious student, spending half their waking hours camped out in the library.

I have a less-than-impressive track record when it comes to libraries. If I go there with sincere intentions of reading, after the requisite 20 minutes or so of getting settled and set up, I crack open the book and find myself constantly thinking “When can I leave?”

Without fail, 40 pages later, Jessica Simpson would probably have a better grasp on the assigned material than I do. Whenever I check a book out, it suffers the same fate as my movie rentals — returned considerably later than the assigned day, and hitting me with a sizeable fee, along with a look of contempt from the librarian that makes me contemplate relinquishing my library card. In most cases, it would have been thriftier to simply purchase the damn book or movie.

Track record aside, I still migrate to the labyrinth of literature from time to time. While there, I usually spend a great deal more time people-watching than engulfed in academics. During my tenure, I’ve picked up on quite a few common characteristics of library frequenters.

There is an extremely small population of students at the library actively studying. Most can be found at tables with friends merely gabbing, or involved in intense conversation. Some people try to avoid distractions brought on by other individuals by putting on their headphones. This is a wise idea in theory, because it’s not rare for an individual to be distracted simply by overwhelming amounts of silence. Yet most who “study,” mp3 player in tow, remarkably turn into Dave Grohl — intensely drumming on their notebooks or tables with their pens or any other available writing implements. After all, it’s much easier to get caught up in the moment with a kickin’ tune, rather than the writings of scientists schooled in the prevailing social tendencies of extinct insects found only in Cambodia.

I can also spot those confusing a night at the library with an all-you-can-eat buffet. This breed surfaces around finals week. Their book and notebook are surrounded by an assortment of treats including, but not limited to, various types of candy, protein and granola bars, gum and bags of pretzels.

And coffee is the key element in this smorgasbord. Numerous insulated mugs holding gargantuan amounts of hot, fresh-brewed coffee litter the space on the table not taken by food. Apparently proper studying requires vast amounts of sustenance guaranteed to not only rot your teeth, but keep you awake for the better part of the week as well.

People love to tell one another just how much time they’ve spent in the confines of Hillman: “Oh my God, I was at the library all night last night.”

I’ve got this theory going that they do this to simply freak everyone else out. As soon as I hear such statements I automatically start second guessing my own study habits.

Should people who spend ridiculous amounts of time at the library impress us?

No, they shouldn’t. After all, who are they kidding? I’m willing to bet that the poor sap hanging out on the first floor of Hillman expended much more energy catching up on weekend highlights with pals, checking people out and aimlessly contemplating the best spring break destination, rather than doing anything even remotely productive.

Don’t be fooled or panic-stricken. Away messages that read: “Library all night” are not what they seem.

After more than 15 years as a student, Colleen Bayus has this school thing down pat, library not included. E-mail her at [email protected].