I’m not one for participating in political or religious conversations. In fact, I’m almost… I’m not one for participating in political or religious conversations. In fact, I’m almost always against these conversations, especially while alcohol consumption is involved.

Now, I’m not suggesting that these conversations should never take place — I have my views on these subjects and like to share them in civilized conversations. Everyone has their own views on these subjects — some more narrow and ill-advised than others, but views nonetheless.

What I am suggesting is that there be a law passed, or at least a rule strictly enforced at all bars, prohibiting people from partaking in these conversations while attempting to intoxicate themselves. Furthermore, these discussions should be considered a sin to all bar-going citizens — religious or not.

I have been going to bars on a more-than-regular basis since turning the ripe age of 21 and have actually spent more time in bars in my youth than many of my elders. Aside from being a patron to bars, I have also worked as a bouncer at a bar in Shadyside for four months now.

One thing that makes me cringe — even more than a group of loud and obnoxious rich girls, who have had three too many drinks — is a group of people (especially a group of guys) talking about the sinful bar topics, especially when I’m on duty.

The reason this makes me cringe is that these topics generally bring about heated conversations between the practicing intoxicants. Heated conversations tend to lead to heated scuffles, even between the closest of friends, and heated scuffles then lead to me having to get involved. And I’d rather not have to break someone’s jaw just because he thinks that George Bush is incompetent, and his drunken friend tends to angrily disagree.

Against popular belief, George Bush isn’t worth a broken jaw, and I don’t want to give one to anyone.

So how do we remedy this situation?

Well, first I suggest we collectively try to pass this law. That would mean someone would be responsible for drafting a bill. My schedule is full, so I nominate a staff of writers made up of local bar owners, frat boys and a few political science professors. (Gotta have someone who knows the law, right?)

After the bill is drafted, it has to make its way onto the floor of Congress. Doing so may take a little effort, but we can handle that. Just try to stay sober long enough to write a letter to your local congressman or congresswoman. (You can do it; I have faith in you.)

After all of Congress is annoyed by half-drunken and half-legible letters filling their mailbox, they should act to get this thing in motion.

And if that fails? Well, my Plan B consists of all bar owners making it an official law of their bars (screw Congress) and bouncers being paid slightly more as they will have a new responsibility — eavesdropping.

Once the bar law is passed by owners, it will be illegal on bar premises to speak in forbidden tongue — political jargon and religious dogma.

If caught in the act of sinful conversation, the sinner will be punished as sought fit by the owner and, more importantly, the bouncer. As punishment, I suggest anything that involves excruciating pain, maybe ritual stoning or the old Chinese method of “death by a million cuts.”

Now I know you’re probably thinking, “Brian, isn’t that cruel and unusual punishment?” It may be to some, but if you are warned about the punishment and law in advance, it’s only fitting. And just like a criminal case in court, being intoxicated is no excuse.

Brian Palmer is the arts and entertainment editor and wants all bar patrons to know that you have officially been warned and hopes that you take this as seriously as he does. Let him know your ideas for suitable punishment at [email protected].