Dear Sex N’At Readers:

You hold in your hands my final effort as sex columnist for The… Dear Sex N’At Readers:

You hold in your hands my final effort as sex columnist for The Pitt News. Don’t worry, it’s not going to be a weepy, “I’m going to miss college so much, but real world, here I come!” kind of column — that’s next week, when I run my final-ever Pitt News column, for which I reserve the right to be maudlin, weepy and pseudo-philosophical.

This week, I’m just going to address the unbelievable amount of fun I’ve had having the honor of being your go-to gal. I’ve been recognized out more than I ever thought possible. I’ve dealt Texas Hold ‘Em poker in a dress I never thought would see the outside of my closet. I got to autograph an engineer’s wang in the back of a crowded bar, for god’s sake!

I get creepy come-ons almost every day. I hear details of the sex lives of strangers — in all honesty, one of the best and weirdest parts of the job. My parents … oy … my poor parents. My parents probably know or can infer more about me than I would ever tell them without the relative impersonality that print and 300 miles affords me.

There is a lot of truth in this kind of writing, and that can be good or bad. Advice writing can take two tacks — either from first-person experience, or a more general approach. I decided early on that the literal details of my own life between the sheets would never directly make it into the paper. I’m the one that signed up for this gig, and not anyone else, no matter how close they are to me.

But I’m sure I tested the patience of some wonderful people in my life — Fabio, you were and are amazing, above reproach, and you put up with a lot of crap; and Stork, you let me put parts of your life on the dissecting table that happened when we were just kids, after all. Thanks, lads.

I’ve gotten lots of hate mail from Christians and moral authorities, and the disdain of a lot of folks who miss my cute little columns about rats and defrosting my freezer. I know from neighborhood spies that my parents don’t brag about what I’m up to nearly as much.

I honestly rankle sometimes when people think that sex is all I know, and is all I do here at The Pitt News. This column, while the most visible thing I do at the paper, is the one that takes up the least amount of my time and energy. I earned my job as opinions editor through blood, sweat and journalism. Sex N’At just sort of fell into my lap, where it proceeded to wriggle and misbehave and … yeah.

I have loved my time in this job. I loved getting e-mails that were obviously written by inebriated folks. The publicity has been nice, and the advice and criticism from fake Hotmail accounts has been hilarious, especially when attempted anonymity on the part of a questioner has failed miserably. I think the column has been a success, and I hope you enjoyed it half as much as I did. I leave you in very capable hands — next year will see two sex columnists at The Pitt News, so every question can be a threesome.

Love,

Sex N’at

Melissa Meinzer will always and forever be reachable at [email protected], and will still be regularly publishing sassy stuff in Pittsburgh after she graduates.