Did you know that The Pitt News is part of a vast media conspiracy?

That’s right; your… Did you know that The Pitt News is part of a vast media conspiracy?

That’s right; your beloved daily newspaper is created in a secret underground lab in Milwaukee with a cutting-edge computer system that ensures all pieces in the paper meet a highly classified and arbitrary set of editorial criteria.

The lab, which has a lot of flashing buttons and switches to flip – or so I’ve heard; I’ve never been there – works on the principle that infinite monkeys, given infinite time and infinite typewriters, can produce Shakespeare. Although, as we all know, thanks to late-night talk show hosts, an experiment recently disproved that. The monkeys mostly flung poo and pressed the “s” key a lot.

So what it comes down to is that The Pitt News is a totally randomized bunch of words created by elite scientists, monkeys and flashing buttons, in Milwaukee.

Or maybe not.

Maybe The Pitt News is written by a dedicated and talented group of aspiring journalists who love what they do. Maybe it’s written by students studying writing or journalism, or biology or theatre. Perhaps they are freshmen, or super-duper seniors. They may dream about Ann Coulter, or about Al Franken. Or Ann Coulter and Al Franken, though I don’t recommend thinking about that. Your head is liable to explode.

What I’m getting at here is this: The Pitt News is the independent student newspaper at the University of Pittsburgh, and that is a beautiful thing. We truly are independent, with a wonderfully capable business staff (who are also students) that provides our revenue through advertising. We are a student paper in the truest sense of the word, written and edited entirely by students.

The Pitt News is a great experience, and one that isn’t available at every school around. Lots of “student” papers are funded by the school, and so have to tailor their content to the views of the administration, or are edited by faculty members. Others are weekly, so by the time you get the chance to comment on Britney Spears’ joyous nuptial bliss, the wedding’s been annulled.

Also, we are hiring, like we do every term, and that’s another giant difference between us and just about every other newspaper on the face of the planet.

Want a piece of the action?

I’m inviting you to find out what goes on behind the scenes of this great paper. Pick up an application and see what all of the buzz is about. We work hard and we play hard, we love what we do, and we want you.

For this section, the Opinions section, you’ll be asked to produce a few sample columns and answer a few questions. If you get hired, you’ll be assigned either a weekly or biweekly deadline, have your picture run in the paper next to your words and get a company Maserati to tool around Oakland. Okay, two of those are true, and I’ll let you figure it out which ones. You’ll also get the thrill of being the subject of a lot of debate and clever, clever feedback on our Web site, and enough money to, um, keep you in bubble gum for a while. So, if you read The Pitt News and think, “I wish I were an Opinions section rock star!” now is the time to go for it. Or, if you read The Pitt News and think, “It’s a vast media conspiracy, and I could do better than this tripe!” now is the time to do it. Opinions editor Melissa Meinzer loves the way you move. E-mail her with questions about becoming a columnist or anything else at [email protected].