Dear Sex N’at:

I am having major problems here at Pitt. First of all, I like this guy, but… Dear Sex N’at:

I am having major problems here at Pitt. First of all, I like this guy, but I’m not sure if he’s really into me. We hang out, he gets along with my friends, and he’s really hot! My roommate claims to have “gay-dar” and she definitely thinks he’s homosexual, but the thing is, we hooked up several times. Now, I do not discriminate and I really wouldn’t care if he were bisexual; I just don’t want sloppy seconds. Last time that I “went down” on him, I noticed small fecal particles around the head region of his penis. How can I find out if he’s switch-hitting?

Karr-dawg

Dear Dawg:

Why in the hell would you ever put anything with fecal particles on it in your mouth?

Does it really matter whose bum the particles in question came from? They came from some place – some place deep and dark within the other boy or girl he’s sleeping with.

So, if you are sure that’s what you are seeing, you are definitely getting sloppy seconds. Very sloppy. Insultingly sloppy. Regardless of this gem’s sexual orientation, you really ought to have huge issues with him allowing you to get near someone else’s digested matter. That’s just unhealthy, not to mention uncouth. Oh, the diseases you are flirting with.

How do you define hooking up? Does he just let you give him blowjobs while he’s drunk – and then “accidentally” call you Ashton? I can tell you this much: The boy is probably not straight, and he’s a dirty jerk.

Bottom line – as long as you keep putting his soiled junk in your mouth without complaint, he’ll be “into you.”

And as soon as you get some self-esteem, you’ll cut him off.

Dear Sex N’at:

My partner is leaving on a business-related trip for a month. I don’t know if I can wait that long for an orgasm. He will be offended if he finds any sex toys around. What household items can I use instead?

Orgasm Addicted

Dear Addicted:

What would he rather find around, used condoms?

This guy has humongous control issues. How dare he mandate that you are to remain orgasm-free until he’s around to supervise? The real issue here is his unwillingness to grant you an identity separate from his.

You clearly aren’t planning on cheating on him, or using this month to think about the state of the relationship, and you should be. Take this hiatus to rethink what you are getting out of it.

All relationship issues aside, there are some great orgasm donors lurking all around your house. First and most practical, let your fingers do the walking. You can penetrate yourself with as many digits as you need to while still providing yummy clitoral stimulation.

Does your shower head have a detachable hose and variable settings? It should! You can aim that sucker just about anywhere and switch up the level of stimulation very easily.

The produce section of the grocery store is ripe with possibility. You can buy cucumbers of varying sizes and try them all out – just make sure to put a condom over the one you pick. This is essential for preventing abrasions and possible infections. Since pregnancy and disease aren’t concerns here, you can try out a French tickler or other less-effective condom-like device. And while you are auditioning all the different girths and lengths, you can decide what kind of vibrators you want to buy yourself as a consolation prize after ditching this guy.

Melissa Meinzer grew a bumper crop of cucumbers this summer. Ask her a question at [email protected].