Dear Sex N’at:

My long-time boyfriend and I have a problem – although we have an active… Dear Sex N’at:

My long-time boyfriend and I have a problem – although we have an active sex life, it seems that neither of us can actually reach orgasm unless we’re the one on top and in control. We both can get really close, and it’s not that things aren’t enjoyable, but when it comes to climax, we just can’t get there. It’s starting to feel a little degrading … like we’re just masturbating on top of each other. I’ve brought up ideas about bondage or something like that to spice things up but he seems to just laugh it off every time. Any ideas?

Ready and Willing

Dear RAW:

The primary issue between the two of you is trust – but don’t take that the wrong way. It’s not that you don’t necessarily trust one another in terms of fidelity or mutual respect or any of those crucial relationship issues.

It’s orgasm trust you lack.

The French call an orgasm “le petit mort” – literally, a little death. There’s a lot of truth in that phrase. During and immediately after an orgasm, we fall into a state sort of like intoxication. You know the feeling – stoned on your own sex chemicals. Depending on your own chemical make-up and the magnitude of the orgasm, you can find yourself completely out of it for several minutes after coming.

It’s hard enough to get used to that feeling of complete surrender, of total loss of control, from yourself. To hand over that level of bodily jurisdiction to someone else can be kind of scary. The reason neither of you can receive a decent orgasm from the other is your terror at relinquishing so much control over yourself to an external entity.

It’s wonderful to come – in addition to being a cheap, legal high, it promotes feelings of overall well-being, and associating such feelings with someone you love. That’s why love and sex belong together.

That said, no one ever comes every time. That’s an example of a ludicrous standard, and trying to adhere to it is a recipe for failure and feelings of inadequacy for both of you – and once you go swimming in Inadequate Lake, you aren’t going to get off again for a while.

Take the focus off of coming during intercourse, at least for a while. Get comfortable letting your man push your button. Try orgasmic training wheels. Have him watch you masturbate – and vice versa. When you reach the point of no return, have him take over. Then, he’ll be the one giving you the orgasm. Try this several times, with him – or you – taking over earlier a little each time. Finally, turn the controls over to him completely. You’ll have already had several orgasms very nearly from him, so you’ll be more comfortable letting go.

I’m glad you are thinking of bondage or other spicy niceties to fix things up, but you are getting way ahead of yourself. Boyfriend boy laughs such suggestions off because he’s not ready to go there yet – and neither are you. Bondage shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a complex way of relating sexually that shouldn’t be entered into by any but the most trusting partners. Save that for later on. You’ve got to crawl before you can walk, dig? Once you two are chummy enough to get cummy as often as you like, drop me another line about knots, cats o’ nine tails and ball gags, oh my.

Melissa Meinzer is hoping for an increase in the raunch factor of questions. Titillate her at [email protected].