Dear Sex N’at:

What is your record for having sex in one day? My girlfriend’s name is… Dear Sex N’at:

What is your record for having sex in one day? My girlfriend’s name is Dominique; I call her Dom for short. Does this mean I’m gay? And the fact that I just asked you that question – does that make me homophobic? What is better, a monogamous relationship, or an open relationship? Will this get published in The Pitt News, the No. 1 student newspaper in the nation?

Thank you,

Learning, Researching and Developing

Dear LRD:

Allow me to answer your stupid questions with vapid answers, but first, let me pose one of my own. What the hell are you looking for here, exactly, with this list? I smell sexual posturing and chest-beating. I guess Dom must like it.

My personal record for having sex in one day would have to be Cornershop’s 1997 effort, “When I Was Born for the 7th Time.” Starts off bouncy, ends slowly and meditatively – very conducive to cuddling, afterplay or round 2. If I needed a record for more than one day, whew! I guess if I planned on doing the horizontal bop for days on end, Blur’s American breakout, Parklife, would be on repeat. An energetic one, start to finish.

Calling your girlfriend “Dom” doesn’t make you gay – it just makes your craving for her to tie you up and make you lick her toes while you wear a French maid outfit all the more obvious.

Asking me if your girlfriend’s nickname makes you gay doesn’t make you a homophobe, it just makes you an idiot. Gay men don’t have girlfriends, sweetie.

Monogamy is sweet and rewarding – for emotionally mature people who trust and respect one another. It’s also hard, complicated and can be very taxing. It’s a decision two people must make and a promise they must keep. It’s comfortable and allows for personal and interpersonal growth for both members in said relationship.

And it’s not for everyone.

Some folks are not adult enough to pull it off, which is okay, if everyone involved is aware of the “open” nature of the relationship. If someone – you, I presume? – is not up to the rigors of monogamy, it’s only fair to make that clear from the beginning. If you do that, and let everyone in your path know, and consistently use protection, there’s nothing wrong with an open relationship, per se. No one will mature in one, but the sexual buffet is potentially all you can eat.

So you’ve got to answer that one yourself, I suppose.

And no, your letter will not get published in the No. 1 student newspaper in the nation. It will get published in the No. 1 student newspaper in the known galaxy.

Dear Sex N’at:

How can I get rid of unsightly hickies or bite marks from making out?

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Dear OBTS:

There’s nothing you can do to make love-bites go away. You just have to endure the crushing shame that comes with having everyone know that you are getting some. They’ll fade within a week or so. In the meantime, makeup and alibis are your new best friends.

If you are really embarrassed, I suggest instituting a strict no-hicky policy in the future. If you’ll be making out with the same person again, just say that you were so mortified about last time’s marks, you had to take the drastic step of writing to your friendly Pitt News sex columnist. If it’s a new person, say your body is a temple, and even temporary marring of its pristine surface is unacceptable to you. This won’t work if the hickies are interspersed with tattoos or piercings – sorry.

Melissa Meinzer is not a psychological or medical professional, but she sure likes hearing your filth. Send her a question at [email protected].