All right, everyone, stop the presses; we have a problem.

We need to find something else… All right, everyone, stop the presses; we have a problem.

We need to find something else to fill this space, because I can’t write a column. Not today, at least, thanks to the big blister forming on my right thumb.

, this blister is serious.

Wait, are you telling me that Sammy Sosa can miss work because of an infected toenail, but I have to try to fight through this big, nasty sore?

Toenails aren’t important. If they were, it would be a bigger deal when they fall off. And I’ve had a toenail fall off before. I’ve even had one removed, and you know what? It didn’t hurt that much.

Yeah, I realize baseball requires you to be on your feet and running most of the time. But it’s just a toe.

All right, fine. At the least, I need to miss my next turn to write a column. I don’t think this thing will be fully healed before then. I mean look at it; it pulsates. It could pop at any minute.

What do you mean I’m irreplaceable? You can find somebody to take my place. Just go down to the zoo and steal one of those monkeys. If you leave him in a room with my computer long enough, I’m sure he’ll come up with something. Look at all those monkeys who wrote Hamlet.

So stealing a monkey is bad, but making me risk further injury isn’t? Kip Wells got to miss his last start because of a blister on his thumb. Why can’t I? Yeah, I know pitchers need their thumbs to pitch, but this is just as bad.

Don’t even try to tell me that Derek Lowe pitched the other night with a callus on his thumb. There is a big difference between a callus and a blister.

A callus is just a hard patch of skin. In some cases, it’s good for you.

But blisters? Those things are serious.

Besides, he got rocked pretty well with that callus on his finger. Probably brought his earned-run average up a few notches, too. You don’t want something like that to happen to me, do you? My E.R.A. is already too high.

And don’t try to tell me to put something on it, like super glue or a Band-Aid. That’s, like, illegal or something. Just ask Montreal pitcher Zach Day. He was thrown out of a game for putting superglue on his blister.

I need at least one day off. You can give me that. I’ll soak my thumb and make sure it doesn’t come in contact with anything other than pizza and a bottle of beer.

What do you mean I can’t take a day off? The Indians’ Marty Cordova got a day off last year because he had a bad sunburn. I think this is much more serious than a sunburn.

All right, I’ll admit that skin cancer is pretty scary, but you need to be out in the sun for a long time to get that, right? If he can get a day off because his skin’s too sensitive, I think I can take some time off, too.

Hey, wait, where are you going? I’m serious; this thing hurts. Come on, was that really necessary? Well, fine then. I hope you get a blister on that finger.

Joe Marchilena is the sports editor for The Pitt News, and blisters really hurt, along with paper cuts and splinters. Ouch!