I know what you’re thinking. Sitting half asleep in class or steeped in sweaty intercourse,… I know what you’re thinking. Sitting half asleep in class or steeped in sweaty intercourse, the question has crossed your mind, “Could I write a college column? That seems hard.” Indeed, it takes a spry young mind and several motivated fingers to push buttons on a keyboard to write the seminal college column, or any piece of strung-together crap.

But don’t be deterred, with my Principles of Columningus, you too can be writing college columns within a few minutes. Too good to be true? Then let me sweeten the deal by throwing in another college column and a two gallon bottle of Oxi-Clean for free!

Principal 1: Whatever you’re writing about, be it birdfeeders or the war, remember to always use words such as “vagina” and “enormous testicles” as often as possible. This will make you seem edgy and/or “fly,” subsequently inducing the opposite sex to be horny for your vagina or enormous testicles. Example: The war was a vagina of enormous testicles.

Principal 2: Always write about political crap no one cares about. So tell me, what’s more awesome than boring political rambling about Boogistan’s foreign economic policies on raw lumber exportations? NOTHING! If readers can’t get through the first paragraph without passing out, you are on your way to successful college column writing. Example: Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah.

Principal 3: Be very politically correct, even painstakingly so if necessary. After three years here, it’s come to my attention that no one in college likes jokes. College kids’ feelings are more sensitive than the top of a newborn baby’s head. Ergo, any prodding or poking results in a college person’s feelings cracking open like an egg, with their brains all over your hand. Essentially, don’t ever offend anyone. Example: Who wants to go watch Teletubbies at the Model U.N. clubhouse?

Principle 4: Big words equals good. Most people are stupid and only care about the newest reality television shows and flashing lights. It’s best to talk over their heads so you can make them feel stupider. Hey, you don’t even have to be using these words correctly – or should I say, pugnaciously – just use ’em. Before you know it, your ego will swell to be as enormous as your testicles. Example: See Principal 2.

Principle 5: Emoticons are totally jerkin’.

Principle 6: Everyone wants to hear about your personal stories or stupid internal thoughts. If it’s not even worth telling your dog, throw it onto paper, send it to a college newspaper and watch the magic unfurl. They’ll print anything! You can’t lose! Example: I live in a wacky house with three kooky roommates who are soooo far out. We had a wild adventure when we tried cooking pasta on a wacky road trip of wackiness when our rent was overdue. The wackitude hit 7.2 on the Wackter Scale when Lance asked, “Do me have to boil de wauter?” Christ, that was way off the hizzy!

Principal 7: Write about issues that are ridiculously obvious to mentally retarded people. As I said before, readers are brain-dead, so spell it out for them or they won’t understand. Example: Food goes down the food hole on your face.

Principal 8: Drag on a column that could have been stated in three words, like this one. Sure, I know you don’t know what you’re talking about, and don’t have anything to say either, but your readers have no idea – so keep writing. More writing is good writing. More writing is good writing.

Before you know it, you’ll be writing such kick-ass lines as: “My cockeyed friend Zack’s vagina is a cornucopia of Iraqi oil fields.” Keep it up and one day you’ll be busting your hump to make $27,000 a year, while your roommate who was smart enough to take pharmacy as a major makes 70-grand for scratching his nuts and then sniffing his hand afterward as he hands out aspirins. Mike, I hate you.

Ben Rubin’s columns: Now, eat them all you want, and still lose the weight. E-mail Ben Rubin at [email protected].