Pitt has a serious crime problem. Unspeakable acts are being perpetrated in broad daylight… Pitt has a serious crime problem. Unspeakable acts are being perpetrated in broad daylight seven days a week. I speak, of course, of crimes of fashion.

Listen, I’m no Mr. Blackwell and I’m not known for my polished appearance. Everyone has his or her own style and budget, and that’s fine. People just need to adhere to certain minimal standards. Here then, in no particular order, are some of the most hideous aberrations I’ve seen.

Belly shirts – a privilege, not a right

Ladies, it’s a fact: More of us sport kegs than six packs. It’s cool. There’s no shame in a little pudge. Just don’t put that stuff on display.

In high school, I was queen of the belly shirt. I was also so skinny, random strangers would offer me food. It took four years but I gained the dreaded freshman 15 – OK, 20 – and now the belly shirts are in the “maybe someday” drawer, where they belong. There they shall remain until I contract some consumptive disease or begin a conscientious exercise program. So, barring an outbreak of tuberculosis, nobody is going to be required to look at my bulgy little gut ever again.

Hairy toed dudes

Fellas, if you aren’t on the beach or in the luxurious Towers shower, I don’t want to see you in flip-flops. Ever. Feet are gross. Man-feet are exponentially more gross. Hairy man-feet? My stomach churns. Sandals in extreme heat are justified, I suppose, but I don’t want to see a thong between your funkdafied toes. I can’t take a man seriously if he’s flippin’ and floppin’.

Public pajamas

I realize that college is cool and laid-back and that, especially if you live on campus, you probably just left your bed 10 minutes ago. But come on. How much effort does it take slap on a pair of Levi’s?

I actually saw a kid with bare feet in Eddie’s recently. Not only did he look like a jerk, I lost my appetite double-quick. Hey, if he sticks around, maybe I’ll be back in those belly shirts after all!

Cowboy hats

I don’t know what it is about Pitt that makes freshmen want to trade in a backward ball cap for 10 gallons, but it seems every year some young buck in the freshman class decides this is the look for him. He’ll proudly sport it until about the first round of midterms when he finally realizes he looks like a jackass. For the rest of his college career, he’ll be “the Cowboy.” Poor kid.

Halloween makeup all year round

There’s no harm in playing up good features and camouflaging weak spots. That’s what makeup is for. But I’m tired of seeing women who look like they spent 45 minutes this morning lacquering their faces. You wonder what kinds of implements and chemicals are needed to pry that stuff off at the end of the day. Not only does it usually look fake and bad, it causes people to infer a huge degree of vanity.

Abercrombie and “Pitch”

There’s nothing inherently wrong with brand names or even brand loyalty. Personally I find Mr. Hilfiger’s dungarees suit my butt-covering needs the best. However, if the decorative focal point of your clothing is the name of the manufacturer, you are a stooge. You’ve just paid a company for the privilege of being a walking billboard for them. Congratulations, dummy.

Curl up and dye

Well, maybe blondes do have more fun. But the statement probably only applies to natural blondes. I think the bleach is best kept to the socks and sheets. And the “natural looking” chunky highlights? Yes, these look natural. On a skunk. Along these same lines, a deep tan in Pittsburgh in October isn’t fooling anyone.

Princess wear

I heaved a sigh of relief when the “No Fear” shirts disappeared a few years ago. It seems we’ve reverted horribly. Shirts with cute little sayings like “Princess” and “Spoiled” can only be pulled off by a small section of the population: those under age 5.

So there you have it: Meinzer’s guide to not looking like a tool. I consider this a public service announcement. Use it well.

Melissa Meinzer’s Chuck Taylors, blue jeans and Army surplus stuff can be reached at [email protected]. And yes, she is a natural redhead.