Hello, my name is Melissa and I’m a … telemarketer.

It’s true. I’m a pro. I call during… Hello, my name is Melissa and I’m a … telemarketer.

It’s true. I’m a pro. I call during dinner. I mangle last names. I don’t take no for an answer. Give me a phone and I can sell ice to Eskimos.

I’ve had this habit for five years. I’ve been sworn at and verbally abused with virtuosity I didn’t think existed outside of the truck-driving community. You haven’t lived until an elderly woman has threatened to find you and kill you and your family.

Telemarketing gets in your blood. Once you can do it, you can always get a job quickly. Every telemarketing job I’ve applied for, I’ve gotten on the spot and quickly distinguished myself as a top performer. It’s hard to say no to the siren song of easy, lucrative employment. Like waiting tables, the harder you work, the more money you make, thanks to commission. Unlike waiting tables, you never leave the call center smelling like pancakes, unless you want to.

Most telemarketing places have an insane turnover rate and consequently, unless you come to the interview drunk and physically assault the manager, you will get the job. Few people last longer than a week or two, which is why so many calls you receive sound like a monkey is making them. Most telemarketers don’t know what they are doing. Those that are good have been doing it for years and will keep it up, no matter what restrictions are placed on them.

By now, you’ve probably heard that Pennsylvania has joined states such as Kentucky, California and Colorado by instituting a statewide “Do Not Call” list. You can sign up either by phone, snail mail or on the Web site (www.nocallsplease.com). The list is updated quarterly and all companies who call Pennsylvania are required to purchase the list at $456 a year. I’ve heard some backlash from others such as myself who make their living pestering folks. They should put the phone down for a minute and think about this.

According to an article in the Aug. 27 issue of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, more than 200,000 names were added to the list Aug. 6, the first day the Web site and phone number were operational. The Web site couldn’t handle all the traffic. After just three weeks, more than a million Pennsylvanians had added their names. As of Nov. 1, the list will be in effect and any telemarketer who calls any of the names can be liable for $1,000 in civil penalties, or $3,000 if the person called is over 60.

As a telemarketer, I say, great! Fabulous! That’s a million fewer people who are going to swear at me. Contrary to popular belief, telemarketers are not the scum of the earth. We’re mostly just kids trying to make a living. If some people are so vehement about not being called, I sure don’t want to talk to them. You should see rookies the first time someone tells them to go, ahem, make love to themselves. I’ve seen grown men cry! It’s an ugly scene sometimes in the call center.

I’d be willing to bet a lot of those who signed up for the list are what we in the industry call “jerks.” These are the people who have no intention whatsoever of buying what you are selling but keep you on the phone explaining things for 20 minutes. In those 20 minutes, I could have made two more sales! I could have had another little old lady ask me not to call her again. I could have called you and maybe woken up your kid!

A word of caution: The list won’t keep collections agencies from calling you. If you owe money on your credit card and are sick of being called about it, this list won’t help you. It also won’t keep tax-exempt charitable or fraternal organizations such as the Fraternal Order of Police from hounding you. And of course, political candidates, such as our hero Mike Fisher, the founder of the list, can still reach you.

Melissa Meinzer would’ve called all of you to tell you about this, but she didn’t want you to yell at her. Try selling her some stuff at [email protected].