Need for speed

Police in Wilmington Township, Pa., are searching for an Amish buggy that was involved in a hit-and-run accident with an SUV. Reports state that the buggy struck the SUV twice on the driver’s side before leaving the scene. The driver of the buggy has not been identified, and nobody was injured in the crash. What reports do not state is that the two cars were obviously competing to see which vehicle had the most horsepower.

Not a Laughing Cow matter

A woman in Kent, England, boasts a particularly interesting phobia: She is deathly afraid of cheese. Melissa North often has panic attacks when grocery shopping because the mere sight of Swiss strikes terror into her heart. North is especially uncomfortable in the presence of soft cheeses, such as brie. She attributes her phobia to her childhood, when a friend’s parent served her cheese on toast for a meal. As she grew, North’s friends began to tease her about her phobia, often throwing cheese products in her face, causing her to drop to the floor in a fit of panic. Anyone who would exploit someone’s weakness in this manner is clearly a Muenster.

Big brother’s barbershop

Earlier this week, North Korea issued a state-sanctioned guideline regarding male hair care. Evidently, Supremely Handsome Leader (official state title) Kim Jong-un wants his subjects to be as good with the ladies as he apparently is. What’s the first step in achieving this goal? Forcing everyone to have his iconic hairstyle, of course. Yes, the classic “mustache on the head” look is now a legally required hairstyle for male university students in North Korea. Thankfully, the government will subsidize those affected by the new mandate with a free bottle of shampoo and a fine-toothed comb, along with a list of state-approved pick-up lines. As North Korea’s state TV call to action went, “Let us trim our hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle.” Political analysts have predicted that the law will soon be revoked when Kim Jong-un realizes that everyone sports the haircut better than he can.

Everything’s better with drones

Just when you think you’ve heard and seen it all, something new comes flying in. A Dublin father recently removed his 8-year-old son’s loose tooth in the same fashion the U.S. removes its state enemies: with, yes, a drone. This bold father’s technique proved silent, painless and effective, with his son Malcolm hardly flinching or noticing the tooth’s disappearance. Could this be the future of the war on baby teeth? In other news, the tooth fairy has been blacklisted in Pakistan.