Look, daddy, I’m a criminal

After police in North Carolina pulled a motorist over for driving with a broken taillight, they discovered a shocking history of crime. In 2002, authorities posted an arrest warrant for James Meyers after he never returned a rented VHS of the Tom Green film “Freddy Got Fingered.” James got nabbed for the theft, and now the comedy classic has him facing a class 3 misdemeanor that carries a fine of up to $200. Green is offering to pay the fine for Meyers, but it is rumored that if Meyers can prove he sat through the film, the court will consider it punishment enough.

Panty dropper

For the past two months, a New Zealand cat named Brigit has taken to giving her owner daily briefings on the neighborhood’s most delicate subjects. Every morning, she greets owner Sarah Nathan with piles of stolen underwear and socks, leaving her booty — which Norton claims is almost exclusively men’s briefs — all over the house and backyard. The cat burglaries apparently have a long hiss-tory. “In our last house, she’d bring home a bit of everything — she’d bring home men’s undies, women’s undies, togs, she even brought home a hockey shin pad and a jumper,” Nathan told the New Zealand Herald. Despite posting flyers in her neighborhood and making Facebook posts, nobody has come to collect their unmentionables, but she hopes that will change meow with the recent puress.

Cones away

Seattle police have finally cleaned their hands of a sticky situation. For reasons that remain unclear, a man climbed to the top of an 80-foot Sequoia in the middle of the city and refused to come down. The incident began Tuesday morning and lasted until noon on Wednesday, during which the man threw pine cones at passersby and mooned authorities trying to remove him from the tree. Despite hours of police and firefighters barking up the tree to him, the man — who remains unnamed — would not bough. Social media immediately fell in love with the man’s striking resemblance to Yukon Cornelius from the “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” series, but here’s hoping that he’s done pining for adventure.

Lemon-stealing traveler

When life gives you lemons, try to smuggle them across international borders. Airport security dogs caught a Hong Kong woman attempting to sneak six lemons into New Zealand by hiding them in her pants, violating the country’s strict biosecurity laws meant to protect local horticulture. The woman claimed that she needed the lemons to help her liver and some unspecified illnesses. After police detained her in the midst of her attempt to lemonvade the island, they forced her to return to Hong Kong. Sources close to the case say the contraband was delicious.

I wanna hold your hook

Apparently, The Beatles aren’t against all kinds of piracy. Paul McCarrrrrtney is planning to show he is far from washed up by appearing in the upcoming film, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.” Representatives have not commented on whether McCartney is trying to appeal to young audiences after being rejected from a nightclub after the Grammys, which he is likely still salty about.