The male ability to pee standing up definitely has its advantages, both in the realms of… The male ability to pee standing up definitely has its advantages, both in the realms of convenience and efficiency. The latter of those two put me in an awkward position last Saturday at Heinz Field.

If you were not on hand to witness the Panther’s humiliating defeat, then you were also not around to experience the debacles that took place inside the lavatories.

While I have been at Heinz Field many times before, I had never been there under such populated and intoxicated conditions. It was then that my upright-urinating self was forced to reconcile with the demons surrounding “the trough.”

For those of you either crafted without a penis or just scared of large, athletic-center bathroom facilities, “the trough” is an unknown monster. “The trough” is quite a trough that wraps itself around the men’s room wall with the intention of fitting as many male units in front of it as possible. Designed to be the ultimate model of urinary efficiency, the trough does make for speedy evacuation rituals. But on Saturday, I would have gladly sacrificed a few more seconds to keep my privacy and my dignity intact.

The conditions were chaotic. Halftime produced its usual mass exodus of fans from their seats to their sexually designated restrooms. The men’s room, in turn, became full of males with engorged bladders, all muscling their way for a few inches in which to insert their reproductive organ and make with the pissing. It was a pure, animalistic, every-man-for-himself wizz-a-palooza.

And there I was, smashed in the center of it, struggling to keep my balance, aim and tiny shred of decency. Of the some million times I’ve gone to the bathroom in my life, this was the least pleasant.

Since the invention of the trough, public restrooms have become a bit too public. As a man, having the ability to evacuate body waste in a timely manner, I’m all for a facility that allows us to do so. A quick look over to the women’s side of things always confirms this.

But the trough is just plain wrong. Imagine the next time you have ten or so guests over your residence for a party and the time comes for them to relieve themselves and so, to maximize efficiency, you ask them to stand around your bathtub and just let fly. You’d probably, at the least, not be asked to host again.

But this is exactly what the builders of athletic stadiums ask us to do on a regular basis. Is the return of urinals too much to ask for? Urinals do not allow for insane, penis-charging free-for-alls and provide the necessary four inches of ceramic privacy. Efficiency is only slightly reduced. Granted, the stalls are still provided in all facilities, but as any female will tell you, they are landmarks of inefficiency.

You may ask yourself, “Why was the trough created in the first place?” I’ll tell you why: to avoid the notorious “gang piss.” The gang piss is rare, but still documented. I was on hand to witness such an event senior year of high school.

After a long evening of drinking, my crew headed to a near-by all-night diner. Immediately entering the men’s room, my mates came to the quick decision that there was not enough designated urination destinations and that improvisation must take place to avoid any further delay. The following things were used: urinal, toilet, sink, garbage can, wall, paper towel dispenser, door. While you might think this was an isolated incident, I have witnessed similar actions at sporting events throughout my lifetime.

The efforts to avoid the gang piss are noble, but the trough is demeaning. If efficiency is one’s only goal in designing a public facility, why not go beyond even the trough? Why not just place a large storm drain in the middle of the floor and let everyone gather around in a massive circle and piss all over the place? Better yet, why not just hand out buckets and let fans just go in their seats? Clearly, the engineers were not concerned with privacy and dignity.

Such situations should not arise. The fate of American dignity is at stake here. I ask that the distasteful trend of the trough discontinue and the old ways of the urinal be resurrected. Sort of like what would happen if the Catholic Church were put in charge of bathroom construction, only with less molestation and sexism. Well, I guess with current bathroom conditions the way they are, only slightly less molestation and sexism.

David J. turned 21 last week, but did not write a column about it. He likes mean, intoxicated e-mails from readers. Relieve yourself at [email protected]