Editors’ Note: This is a satirical story.

In response to students’ lowered ability of concentration and motivation, a new department, the Department of Focus and Contemplation Studies, has been established at Pitt.

The department, derisively referred to as the “Hippies on Yoga Mats” office by unimpressed students and faculty, is housed in the Cathedral of Learning and designed with feng shui in mind to supposedly bring harmony and a sense of relaxation. There are also no desks, telephones or deadlines. Instead, the staff meditates, practices yoga poses, strains loose-leaf tea and sits on exercise balls while scribbling in Moleskine notebooks.

Why the change from the usual stiff-upper-lipped academia to endowment-supported anything-goes philosophizing and meditation? It all started when administrators took notice of a new course called “Information and Contemplation” taught at Washington State University. The course, taught by technology professor David Levy, focuses on meditative techniques and free writing to “gain insight into our own (first-person) information practices.” Chancellor Mark Nordenberg said in an interview, “We read about this class online, and we decided that our undergrads needed to have something like it ASAP. The next day we set up the department to try to help Pitt students who are constantly challenged with divided attention, distractedness, technology-related ennui and existentialist crises. We pulled our most talented professors from a number of departments and gave them the office space of the not-so-relevant History and Philosophy of Science Department.”

The interdisciplinary department, which is made up of faculty from the psychology, creative writing, information science and philosophy departments, is piloting a five-credit, intensive new course called “The Theories and Application of Focus and Concentration in the Digital Age.” Starting with next year’s freshman class, it will be a basic skills requirement alongside algebra and writing. A small group of students who self-identified as having a high rate of “digital distraction” are taking part in the course this semester.

In a phone interview, senior Christopher Ott, one of the first participants in this class, said, “I decided to take this class because I’m so busy all the time, and I have a ton of trouble focusing. Between all of my extracurriculars I feel like I barely have the time or mental energy to do my homework, and I definitely tend to procrastinate a bit. Thanks to working on my focus techniques in class, today it only took me an hour to get myself in the right emotional place to do reading for my other classes — of course that’s after I went through my normal pump-up routine of checking my Facebook and looking at GIFs of cute animals on Reddit. Before I started this class, getting myself pumped to do homework, not to mention keeping track of my assignments, felt like so much effort that it was completely not worth it! Oh wait, my mom is calling. Can I call you back?” Note: The Pitt News was unable to contact Ott again.

Students start class by holding hands in a Focus-Up Circle and chanting a positive affirmation such as, “I can focus! Distracting thoughts and tempting technology are not the boss of me!” before rolling out yoga mats to sit on during meditation exercises. Undergraduate teaching assistant and music major McKenna Meyer plays a calming lull of harp music in the background while the students practice their meditation techniques for the first 20 minutes of class. One of the students, sophomore Daniella Barret, said, “Meditation exercises are my favorite part of this class, especially on days when I’m super exhausted from going out the night before, ‘cause no one can tell that I’m actually taking a quick nap. Even when I’m solidly in REM sleep, I just look totally focused.”

Assignments for the course are, naturally, designed to improve students’ concentration and attention, even on unpleasant tasks. In one assignment, students had to do nothing but read polemical YouTube video comments for 15 minutes without shifting their attention to any other task. Senior Jordan Buckley said, “Even though this assignment was super difficult, I was so proud that I was able to focus that long on something that was really not fun. I was, like, really able to believe in my ability to overcome the impulse to do something different.”

The department is hopeful that it will be able to improve students’ overall academic achievement by teaching them focus techniques early on in their academic careers. According to the instructor of this course, philosophy professor Frank Walsh, for the final exam, students go to a Buddhist meditation retreat. He said,

Editor’s note: Naomi Borrebach failed to finish this column because she got distracted while getting caught up on “Game of Thrones.” Write her at [email protected].