Search committee to search for committee

By Abbey Reighard / Assistant News Editor

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Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

University administrators are currently seeking members to join a search committee that will then search for members for the search committee that will then search for Pitt’s next Dean of Students. 

Pitt spokesman Ken Service is calling the committee the “Dean Search Committee’s Search Committee for Pitt’s Dean of Students.”

The Committee’s Committee’s candidate will replace Kathy Humphrey, former vice provost and dean of students. 

“We’re working as swiftly as we can,” Service said. “Like, lightning fast. Like, faster than it takes students to finish a history of jazz exam.” 

Provost Patricia Beeson will lead the search for the search committee. 

“This search committee business is a lot of work,” Beeson said. “So we’re thinking a search committee to search for the search committee will expedite the process, leaving time for us to meditate on our upcoming decision.” 

As to when the search for the search committee will begin, Beeson said, “We’re not sure, we might be looking into finding another search committee.”

Humphrey, while at a press conference last week, said she was excited to see who would succeed her.

“I’m confident in this search committee and any other search committees in the future,” she said, as Beyoncé’s ‘Irreplaceable’ played somewhere in the background. 

Kirsten Jones, a sophomore film studies major, said she is eager to learn who the next dean will be, and even has some initiatives in mind that she hopes the next dean will tackle. 

“We need more spoons in market. I’m sicking of spearing soft swerve with a mangled fork. For real,” Jones said. “Why doesn’t Pitt make a search committee for that?”


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