Top 10: People we would actually support for president

Over the past few weeks, we’ve come to you with our thoughts on some of today’s Democratic presidential hopefuls, advising that Bernie and Beto aren’t all they’re made out to be. We think you can guess how we feel about the likely Republican 2020 nominee, so with few inspiring candidates on the left, here are the top 10 people (or things?) we’d support for president.

  1. Dippy the Dino

This country needs a return to normalcy and there’s only one candidate who can deliver that — Dippy. Dippy has watched over this city since 1999 and through his stability and sense of style, he can deliver the important qualities for electability in 2020.

  1. Ella Briggs

Ella Briggs won the race for Connecticut’s Kid Governor of 2019 on a platform of LGBTQ+ youth safety. While the Connecticut Kid Governor program was created for fifth graders, it’s important to note that fifth graders possess a level of maturity and civility a step above what’s currently found in Washington, D.C., and Briggs should take her platform from Hartford, Connecticut, to our capital.

  1. Jeff Capel

Pitt men’s basketball ended the 2018 season with an 8-24 overall record, 0-18 in conference play and a team of demoralized players. But Jeff Capel as the Panthers’ new head coach has brought new life and energy to the Pitt men’s basketball program. The numbers don’t lie — an improvement in wins, increased attendance and a marked boost in morale. Capel may just be able to work the same magic on this country through the Oval Office.

  1. The Pitt News Editorial Board

What, you don’t think we’d do a good job? We’re hard at work every night putting newspapers on the racks to keep food on our tables, and you ungrateful miscreants still give us a tough time on Facebook with your unsolicited commentary. Of course we’d rock the presidency, sheesh.

  1. Pitt Service Puppies

In a political era punctuated by bitterness and toxicity, the fix is clear. Pitt’s Perfect Fit Canines have been hard at work training to heal human beings and their presence has sparked immeasurable joy.

  1. Hope the Falcon

Barack Obama’s “Hope” poster was one of the most iconic images of his 2008 campaign, but little did we know he was actually referring to Hope, the peregrine falcon nesting on the Cathedral of Learning. Hope laid her fifth egg yesterday on the Cathedral but she’s already ready to take on bigger challenges — the presidency. America isn’t just ready for a woman president. America is ready for a mother for president.

  1. Gritty

Amy Klobuchar defended her harsh staff treatment, claiming toughness is needed to deal with Putin, but has she ever threatened her rival one hour into starting her new job? Gritty has. If you’re a real foreign policy hawk, Gritty is the one that won’t let you down.

  1. The Las Palmas guy

Federal government shutdowns have become a serious concern for Americans, and it’s important we find a candidate who can weather a shutdown. Now, there’s only one man in Oakland who’s had a couple shutdowns under his belt and survived — the Las Palmas cook. Could a humble cook serving street tacos nine hours a day every day be the ticket to confronting future funding crises? We certainly think so.

  1. Gene

Gene has been serving 22-ounce Long Island Iced Teas and blistering roasts since he arrived on the Pitt bar scene in 1993. His skill and savagery is without question what we look for in a president. Don’t like him? That’s fine. He’s got a “fat bowl of mids with your name on it, jabrangus.” Reconsider your life.

  1. Denise Thomas

Denise Thomas is The Pitt News’ office manager, but she does more than just manage the office. She keeps the lights running, ensures everyone is paid and tells us when to stop talking to that awful boy we keep going back to. She even made sure we didn’t endure a TPN administrative shutdown this year! We really couldn’t do it without her, and if there’s one person we know who deserves the presidency, it’s Denise.