Top 10: Things to lobby for in Harrisburg

Patty G and a gaggle of Pitt students who want to feel special made their way to Harrisburg this past Tuesday to lobby for Pitt initiatives. We don’t normally enjoy interacting with those who work in the State capital — a place one Tripadvisor reviewer called “nasty dirty and boring” — but we felt there were some things that got overlooked in the lobbying process. Here are our top 10 things to lobby for in Harrisburg.

  1. Democratize Roc the Panther

Who knows who’s behind the mask? I want my representatives to be transparent, not doing their business behind closed fursuits. The individuals chosen to be Roc the Panther need to be selected through free and fair elections and only intervention from Harrisburg can compel this administration to answer to our demands.

  1. Declare Gene’s the best bar in the state

Gene’s Place may have ended its wild ride in Barstool Sports’ Best Bar bracket for the country’s top college bar but it’s still the top college bar in Pennsylvania. Gene’s Long Island Iced Teas and ruthless Twitter roasts deserve Harrisburg’s recognition.

  1. Secure the right to duel over dorm rooms

It’s high time we allowed students to get their dorm rooms the way God intended. This lottery system needs to be done away with, and there needs to be an exception written into Pennsylvania’s criminal code that allows for Pitt students to fight it out over dorms with the best views of Cathy.

  1. Allow hot food in Hillman

Arrest me, sue me, impeach me. We should be allowed to stuff our miserable sleep-deprived faces full of hot food in Hillman Library and we’re tired of being oppressed. This is a crisis that requires intervention by the Pennsylvania National Guard and we’ll lobby Harrisburg if we have to.

  1. Put more outlets in Cathy

The Cathedral’s potential as a study location is being overshadowed by these newfangled yuppy-renovated buildings because it lacks the outlets to compete. Make Cathy great again through state funding for more accessible outlets throughout the building.

  1. Settle Pitt vs. UPitt

The disrespect ends today. Any instance of referring to Pitt as “UPitt” is to become a third-degree misdemeanor punishable by six months to one year in prison or a fine of up to $2,500 per utterance. If anything, this’ll be a revenue stream to help relieve Pitt student debt.

  1. Provide a therapy dog for every dorm floor

The therapy dogs on Pitt’s campus are the only things holding our sanity together, but our time with them is limited. We must lobby the state to fund enough therapy dogs on this campus so all students on every floor of every dorm can reach their highest academic potential at this learning institution.

  1. Mandate the use of Heinz ketchup

Hunt’s ketchup is for people without a moral compass or taste buds. The only acceptable ketchup to use in this state is Heinz tomato ketchup and we’ll lay siege to our state representatives’ Harrisburg offices until we crown the one true ketchup.

  1. Call more snow days

Pitt’s snow day policy is woefully vague and fails to protect students when we’re freezing our toes off. If Patty G won’t change, we’ll have Harrisburg change him. In the meantime, reference our winter weather survival guide in the event of future inclement weather (you can never know in Pittsburgh.)

  1. Eliminate retention incentives

What can $500,000 do for this University and its students? It doesn’t take long to come up with a list of worthy investments by just going outside and talking to students about what they’re concerned with or hurting from. And they don’t all have to be funded by going to Harrisburg and asking for dollars on top of that retention incentive.