People go to bars to drink, right? Right. But people don’t just flock to bars for alcohol. If… People go to bars to drink, right? Right. But people don’t just flock to bars for alcohol. If that were the case, we’d all stay at home and drink with our friends to save money.

The other reason people go to bars is to be social and make nice with complete strangers. Some people are better at this than others. If you’re the type of person who gets fake numbers, doesn’t get any numbers at all or gets the brush-off, this is for you. Maybe I can help you figure out what you’re doing wrong — maybe even how to do it right. Or maybe I’ll just betray my lack of social skills. We’ll see.

Conversation starters:

This is a crucial moment. Please don’t make it weird. And if you’re a boy, please don’t wait for the moment when a girl’s friend leaves her alone at the table to make your move. We know what you’re up to, and we’re not pleased.

Other to-don’ts include interjecting supposedly witty comments at the start of the conversation. Why, yes, I do go to Pitt. Yes, I major in both English and art history. Wow, no, no one has ever made that joke about my job prospects before. Good one. That’ll totally keep me talking to you.

That scenario included another to-don’t: Don’t ask about someone’s major. Or more generally, don’t make the sort of small talk that’ll recreate a conversation we’ve all had a billion times.

Instead of any of the above, try to be a little more genuine and a little more original. Compliment someone’s clothing choices rather than playfully insulting them. Find a mutual interest — a sport, a television show, a recent movie — and talk about it. If you see someone wearing a hockey jersey and you’re nuts over hockey, start there.

This seems really basic, but you’d be surprised how few good conversations I’ve had with strangers in bars. Or maybe you wouldn’t be surprised at all.

One more thing: Don’t start the conversation by saying you just want to steal my booth at Hemingway’s since it looked like I was leaving soon. It won’t end well.

Wingmen and wingwomen:

“How I Met Your Mother” taught me that it’s pretty crucial to have a Ted or a Barney at your side when meeting new people. It really is easier to have a conversation when you’re with a friend.

What you shouldn’t take away from Barney is that lying to people is okay. It’s hilarious and maybe even legen — wait for it — dary on the show, but it doesn’t work well in real life. Don’t say your name is Jasper when it’s Jesse. Don’t make up elaborate schemes about how you’re leaving on a months-long expedition to the arctic the next day. Just don’t lie. The difference between you and Barney is that your life isn’t a television show. It’ll be fun for a little, but you or one of your friends will slip up, and then you’ll just look silly.

Drink-buying etiquette:

I always find drink offers a nice gesture. Most of the girly magazines I’ve read have told me that I should always, always, always accept a drink, even if I find the buyer entirely repulsive. Then I’m supposed to chat up this drink-buyer for five minutes, thank him and excuse myself.

I might be in the minority, but I’ve always found this to be a little deceitful. I think it’s OK to politely say no, and I think the drink-buyer should respect that. The latter doesn’t always happen. The first time someone offered to buy me a drink, I said no. The person then proceeded to bully me into it, and awkward conversation ensued. Obviously after that meet-cute, we fell in love and are living happily ever after.

Here’s the bottom line: If you want to make a good impression, make the offer. If he or she says no, accept it and move on. If it’s a yes, that’s great. Just don’t follow up the offer by asking what his or her major is. You’re better than that.

Pick-up lines:

Just don’t use pick-up lines. It’s not cool, and it’s not so uncool that it’s reverted to being cool again. “It’s my birthday. Guess how old I am?” won’t work, you clever 30-year-olds. Neither will, “I’ll treat you like my homework — slam you on the table and do you all night long,” you nerds. And, “Do you have any [insert ethnicity here] in you?” will never, ever work for anyone.

Asking for numbers:

If at the end of a nice conversation you decide you’d like to have another nice conversation, ask for a number. It’s that simple. Just use your words. Don’t make your friend ask, and don’t just hand over your number and expect the other person to call you. Don’t be a scaredy-cat, and don’t play games.

If you’re really into it, make tentative plans for the future. Ask about getting dinner during the following week. The worst that’ll happen is that it won’t happen.

Hopefully these words of pseudo-wisdom will help you make some new connections next time you’re out at a bar. Or maybe you’re just thinking to yourself, “I’m never approaching that girl in a bar. Geez.” But if you’re not thinking that, try out some of these tactics next time you’re out scouting for friends.

And perhaps after all this work, you’ll find the next morning that your new best friend or soul mate refuses to respond to your text and will pretend to have never met you when you pass each other on the street. Sometimes that happens. It’s the risk we take when we make friends with the help of alcohol. But maybe the person will respond, and you’ll have a new friend. And that’ll be maximum awesome.

Contact Sarah at [email protected].