Satire | September Horoscopes

By Paige Lawler, Assistant Opinions Editor

Are you curious about what’s written in the stars for you this month? Well then, you’re in luck! Instead of doing my Organic Chemistry II homework, I’ve consulted with the celestial bodies about what September has in store for all of us. 

Aries (March 21–April 19): As we move towards autumn, you may become overwhelmed with the urge to indulge in comforting and cozy things. Embrace these urges. Buy that $40 chai scented candle. Buy the $300 cashmere sweater. Drink a venti pumpkin spice latte every morning if it feels like that’s what the universe is telling you to do. You cannot deny the stars, Aries, though I’d like to see you try.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Do you lie awake at night thinking about that time you replied “you too” to the waiter who told you to enjoy your meal? This month, your challenge is to let that, and any other awkward interactions you’ve had, drift out of your mind. Forgive yourself for missing social cues every once in a while. The waiter doesn’t think about it. I promise you. He definitely didn’t tell me about it yesterday. 

Gemini (May 21–June 20): You’ve probably been feeling trapped lately, what with having to socially distance and avoid large gatherings. Your loneliness is valid, but remember, Gemini, there’s a reason you have two faces. Don’t hesitate to talk to yourself — loudly, and in public places. Use a lot of hand gestures, if you feel like it. Don’t be afraid to lose your mind completely. If anyone questions you, or gives you a weird look, tell them you’re doing what the stars told you to do.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): You spend too much time looking back. And for what? When you turn the lights off and leave a room, do you turn around to stand in the doorway and stare into the void? No. You don’t. No one in their right mind does — there’s no way of knowing what occupies that darkness. Something could be staring right back at you. Stop dwelling on the past, Cancer, and please, for once, live in the moment. 

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): We all wear many different hats, dear Leo, but right now you’re wearing more than most. You truly don’t need to wear that many hats. Please, take them off. That’s way too many, dude. You’ve only got one head. Seriously though, don’t feel pressured to do everything for everyone all the time. It’s all right to take a break and go hatless for a few days.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): This month is your time to shine! Bedazzle all of your clothes. String up some fairy lights in the background of wherever you take your Zoom calls. Dump glitter all over your apartment — the universe will give you karmic brownie points if it’s biodegradable. Just don’t think about how your classes are getting harder by the day, or how you can’t go out to a bar without worrying about your health and safety. If you ignore all of that, you’re absolutely golden. After all — it’s Virgo season, baby!

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Your life is probably insane right now, Libra. News flash: so is everyone else’s. Your challenge this month is to stop pitying yourself and step up. Take some initiative. Stop sitting around and waiting for your roommates to do the grocery shopping. If you open the pantry and see that you’re out of onions, you need to put on your mask and march down to the Trader Joe’s on Penn Avenue to buy some. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): You’re pretty fiery for a water sign, Scorpio. This month, the universe is sending you signs that you should chill out. Seriously, you’re scaring your roommates. You don’t need to yell and throw things when you do poorly on an assignment or when the Wi-Fi cuts out. Make it your goal to tone it down. Try listening to some cool indie music — Bon Iver’s “For Emma, Forever Ago” should do the trick. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): You might be on a rebellious streak right now. The stars are telling you to cut it out — nothing productive will come from breaking the rules. This month, do things by the book. Wear your seatbelt. Make sure your mask covers your nose AND your mouth. Stop asking your professors for extensions — it’s literally only the third week of the semester. Now is not the time to be chaotic. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): This month brings plenty of opportunities to rest and recharge. Your challenge, Capricorn, is to take advantage of these opportunities. If your night class miraculously gets cancelled, don’t hesitate to go to bed at 7 p.m. You deserve it. If you’re out for a walk and you feel like the woods are calling to you, just walk directly into them and disappear for a while. Again — you deserve it. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): This month, remind yourself that just because cuffing season is effectively cancelled doesn’t mean you have to completely abandon the dating scene. Sure, maybe seeing people in-person is out of the question, but there are plenty of ways to get attention virtually. Soak up every compliment you get on Tinder. Wear your best outfits — or just your best shirts, the stars won’t judge — to class to remind yourself and the kids in your breakout room that you’re smoking hot. Remind them verbally, if you want. 

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): It’s time to get in tune with the universe, Pisces. What’s the best way to do this? Well, I’m glad you asked. The stars and I agree that the best way to tune into the cosmos is to pour a glass of wine and watch  “Pride and Prejudice” (2005) on Netflix. Put away your phone and let the soundtrack wash over you. Immerse yourself fully in the film, even if you’ve seen it, like, 12 times before. It’s worth it. 

Paige writes primarily about environmental policy and politics. This is her first attempt at divining the stars. Tell her if her horoscopes are accurate at [email protected]

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