The COVID-19 pandemic has been tragic, taxing and a slew of other negative adjectives. But from some, us included, there was a bit of solace in an emptier calendar. For the most part, gone are the days where every graduation party invite or text to come to a crowded South O basement can be answered with, “In a pandemic?”

For better or worse, vaccines have effectively killed the constant and convenient viral cover for bailing on social outings. It’s time to come up with some new excuses to stay in, so we’ve put together a list of them for your, and our, convenience.

10. “My pet developed separation anxiety”

This is a textbook excuse. Not only does it pin the blame on someone else, that someone is incapable of saying whether or not it’s true. As a bonus, it could very well be true.

9. “I’m recovering from another social outing”

After a year of sparse schedules, it’s important to ease back into our previous busy lives. It’s perfectly acceptable to spend a day or two recovering from simply meeting a friend for lunch. Recovering from work is valid for two to three days and attending an in-person event is valid for up to a week.

8. “Sorry, I need to reserve energy for Cardiac Hill”

The walk to upper campus is no joke. And after a rather sedentary year, stalling out around Western Psych is a real concern. Rest up, for safety reasons. 

7. “I’ll be busy admiring Bigelow Boulevard”

This monument to concrete cost a whopping $23.7 million to construct. For that price tag, somebody has to appreciate it.

6. “No one will answer my Slack messages and it’s making me depressed”

If you don’t know what Slack is, ignorance is bliss. If you do, you might be able to relate to the deflating feeling of shouting into the void of an unresponsive channel. Another day, another unanswered “@channel.”

5. “I’m still drying off from the storms”

Over a day since a severe thunderstorm warning was lifted in Allegheny County, we’re still a bit damp from the torrential downpour.

4. “I don’t want to get caught in another hail storm”

Not only are we still wet from the rain, but we’re still a bit traumatized from the quarter-sized hail that accompanied it. Going out simply isn’t worth the risk.

3. “My microchip is acting up”

It’s not easy having a magnetic 5G mind control device stuck in our arms. 

2. “A new TPN issue is out”

Looks like you’ve got some reading to do. And just wait until we’re back to full production in the fall. Quality content and quality excuses, published three times a week.

1. “I have Pitt News work to do”

We’ve all used this at some point in our TPN careers. We wouldn’t recommend readers try this excuse, but we certainly won’t stop you.