Satire | America’s the greatest country — SIKE

By Grace DeLallo, Assistant Opinions Editor

America is a melting pot, and I guess I understand why people use that phrase. It always makes me think of fondue and that we, the people, are cheese. I guess you could categorize people based on different dairy products — BuzzFeed certainly did. Anyways, living in this country is just the bee’s knees.

America is the darn greatest country — and that isn’t an opinion — it’s a fact. I mean, a country that allows as many opportunities as we do must exist as a lil’ slice of heaven. Without our ingenuity and passion, the world would be a darker place. Literally though — Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a key and kite. Also, if we didn’t fight off those filthy Brits, there would be no delectable Taco Bell, no Denny’s and no McDonald’s — hell, no Mountain Dew. What kind of world would that be? Well, I’ll answer for you — an insufferable, less delicious one.

We took our dirty, calloused, hardworking hands and laced up those Bates Waterproof USMC combat boots and got to work. We molded the world for the better, standing up to anyone who got in our way, and we should have our oh-so-many successes celebrated. Not because we deserve it, but because we are owed it. It’s our God-given right, dammit.

And we can’t forget that we owe everything to our beloved, old, white, slave-owning founding fathers. Men have always run things and there have never been any problems whatsoever. And don’t say the economy, Iraq, or income inequality, or racism, or Brett Kavanaugh, or air pollution, or Vietnam, or slavery, or Watergate, or capitalism, or “Me Too,” or homelessness, or police brutality or … you get my point. It just brings tears to my eyes that they’ll never get to see this beautiful version of patriarchal, industrial America — the one where most people work 9-5s for pennies and are in the pursuit of capitalistic, emotionally detached happiness.

That being said — ladies, let’s start with you. We tend to point out all of the things we don’t have, like equal pay or bodily autonomy, but honestly, those are just perks. We need to not be so selfish! We act like we’re underrepresented, but if we are soooooo oppressed then why is approximately 25% of Congress composed of women? A quarter representation is quite generous when you remember that women are stupid and really shouldn’t be in politics.

Honestly, I think 25% is too much, since we should be in the kitchen, but that’s for another column. And don’t even get me started on the first woman elected to Congress in 1917. Like, what was she even going to do? Women didn’t even have the legal right to vote then, so that was a pretty dumb decision. But leave it to women to be irrational, am I right?

Overall, there are so many things that make us the greatest, but my favorite is the amount of freedom we have. I mean, if you discount the increase in anti-LGBTQ+ legislation the past few years, attack on voter rights and overall increase in authoritarianism — but that’s globally so don’t worry — we’re doing a bang up job.

Oh, and on the topic of gay people and the alphabet mafia, I’m not even sure if gay people are real. If something isn’t real, why are we even considering them in our decision making? I think we should follow Texas’ and Florida’s lead and get those rainbow flags and inclusion out of here. Disgusting.

Education is also an area of immense strength and pride. We have Harvard, Princeton, Dartmouth, Yale and other prestigious universities that are recognized globally. Our national education ranking might have slipped and college is the most expensive it’s ever been, but I did say we’re the best — not perfect. It’s not like behind that facade are teachers who are underpaid and overworked, and a curriculum that whitewashes and erases history. Pish posh, how ridiculous. White people have literally invented and accomplished everything, so I’m not sure why people get outraged over it.

People love to complain — and by people I mean those ding-dong snowflakes — that the United States should have an effective national health care system in place. I don’t know who came up with that idiotic idea, but universal health care is for Communists and, by God, this is America, for crying out loud. Who else would think health care is a human right? Certainly the 43 countries who offer it have their priorities screwed up. Do they know how much they’re weakening their economies by? I believe people should work for their health care, because there is nothing more American than that. I’ve never been sick a day in my life, so how can I say that illness is even real? I think it’s a government scam, just like the pandemic we never suffered through, perpetuated by the partisan divide. LOL, what a leftist joke.

And tell me this, haters, if America wasn’t so great, then how come we have one of the highest life expectancies in the world? Okay, maybe it did drop by a year in the first half of 2020, BUT there was a whole global pandemic, so who can really blame us? And wow, okay, maybe Black and Hispanic men experienced the greatest decrease in life expectancy overall, but they account for less of the population than white people, so, ya know, business as normal. 

Honestly, my blatant sarcasm is tiring me out. It’s hard to keep trying to get through to people that, while we may not be the worst, we are nowhere close to the best. Either you get it or you don’t. This is all a silly little way for those of you who genuinely see America as doing no wrong just how silly you are too. Now, as someone who lived in the same city their entire life, I have absolutely no room to say what country is the best to live in or what is the worst is, but I know this place, the place I begrudgingly call home, has a lot of remedying to do before it will ever be considered a contender — at least by my standards.

And just know that if you are offended by anything I’ve written here, it’s — almost — all truth. You can be upset at how funny or smart I am — jealousy isn’t a good color on you — but you can’t be mad at my ability to state credible information that conflicts with the cognitive dissonance you have so diligently forged over your years of conservative thinking. Instead of getting angry, may I suggest directing that energy into something more productive — say, helping improve the situation we are in. I implore you to see the truth for what it is: truth.

If you’re not part of the solution, you are the problem.

Grace DeLallo writes about social, environmental and political issues. Write to her at [email protected].