Editorial | Characterizing TPN desks as Halloween candies

By The Pitt News Editorial Board

Trick or treat, smell our feet, bring The Pitt News Editorial Board something good to eat in room 434 on the fourth floor of the William Pitt Union. From our paper to you, Happy Halloween! 

Today is the day to gorge on candy and wear silly little costumes that, if worn at any other time of the year, may have you escorted out of places. We’re looking at you with the condom costumes — even if it is for a good cause. Whatever you do and however you plan to dress, stay safe and be entertained by the candies The Pitt News Editorial Board assigned to our desks. 

Culture: Pop Rocks

What kind of candy do cultured people eat? Well, according to The Pitt News Editorial, it’s Pop Rocks! This childhood favorite is a perfect pick for the Culture Desk because they’re bubbly — well, more staticky than anything else — and a treat you probably don’t have very often, just like a trip to the symphony, ballet or art gallery. 

Copy: Almond Joy

Almond Joys aren’t for everyone, but if you can appreciate a classic candy that balances sweetness and crunch, we hope you’re a person who also appreciates good grammar and AP Style formatting. It’s gritty work — like the coconut filling — but without Copy, TPN wouldn’t be as sweet.    

News: Sour Patch Kids 

News comes sour and sometimes sweet, just like Sour Patch Kids. The News Desk constantly has an influx of stories that tug at our heartstrings or make us cry, just like the Sour Patch Kids that torment people in the commercials. But then they produce a story about bird watching or therapy dogs and we suddenly forget when that bridge collapsed in Fern Hollow. Sour, sweet, gone … onto the next headline that is.  

Visuals: Kit Kat 

Nothing is more satisfying than capturing a beautifully crisp photo, except for taking a bite into a crunchy, chocolatey Kit Kat wafer. The same crispiness that exists in the Visual Desk’s pictures is also present in this delicious candy. How could we resist?!

Sports: Snickers 

Most people love Snickers — it’s an American staple, much like our nation’s love for sports. And since Snickers aired its Betty White 2010 Super Bowl commercial that kicked off a multitude of celebrity-studded appearances in their advertisements, it’s only right to assign Snickers to sports.   

Digital: Skittles 

Skittles are bright and shiny, just like the Digital Desk. If you pour some candy into your hand, you can’t be too sure what combination will stumble out, much like the line-up of blogs for the week, but you can never be disappointed. Skittles like to keep it fresh with all their flavor varieties, as does Digital.

Social Media: Chocolate-covered raisins 

Most people will agree that raisins are not a candy, but once the chocolate is added, we begin to enter uncertain territory. Just like no definite answer exists for this, the same proves true for the Social Media “desk.” Can a team of one person who only writes captions on TPN’s social media accounts be considered a desk? Well, we’re not sure, but we’ll keep Charlie around.

Opinions: Hot Tamales 

Opinions has some pretty hot takes and comes through with the punches. For this reason and because of their fiery passion, Hot Tamales seem to fit this desk the most. Hot Tamales might not be for everyone but neither are opinions — and that’s okay. We think they’re pretty cool, or should I say, hot?  

Managing Editor and Editor-in-Chief: Twix 

Until the ridiculous marketing campaign that separated left Twix from right, everyone knew Twix as the delicious, crowd-pleasing duo. Now, we can’t say we will always agree with the edits we get, but nonetheless, the Managing Editor and Editor-in-Chief surely satisfy all of TPN’s needs, just like a Twix will satisfy your candy cravings. 

Honorary mention — Harry Kloman: Injera bread pudding 

Is our pick for TPN’s beloved advisor a candy? No. Is it at least Halloween themed? Also no, but it is the best we could do considering Ethiopian food does not have any candies or desserts. This dish does come recommended by Harry himself though, so we thought he would approve.