Bateman: Moustache Column rethinks its options

By Oliver Bateman

We’re glad you’re reading our column. This was a really tough decision for us, and we want… We’re glad you’re reading our column. This was a really tough decision for us, and we want to make sure you understand our reasons for making it. Now don’t get us wrong: We love The Pitt News. It’s our home. It will always be our home. We met our first girlfriend here, went to prom here, dumped our first girlfriend here, interviewed MTV’s Susie Meister here. The usual rites of passage, you know?

But when you’ve worked at a college newspaper as long as we have, it stops being about individual accomplishments. Sure, we delighted readers when we stripped down to our American Apparel booty shorts last semester. Yeah, we know how great we looked when we flexed our huge guns alongside’s Jamie Eason. These things go without saying. Well, almost.

We know all of this. Yet, it’s not enough. We can’t keep doing the same things that we’ve been doing and expecting to get different results. That’s insanity, homies, and even though we’re crazy like a fox, we’re not insane.

Nope, second place won’t cut it for us. We need something bigger and better. We want to be in a position to contend for championships every year. At TPN, we can interview the Susie Meisters of the world, but wouldn’t it be nice to interview that fat, sassy girl from that more popular MTV reality show? Who wouldn’t leap at the chance to learn that fat, sassy girl’s darkest secrets?

After lengthy negotiations with the top brass at TPN, we were unable to get the assurances we needed. We called our mom and said, “Momsers, why are they being so mean to us?” She told us that we needed to stand our ground, lest the terrorists wind up winning. If we couldn’t meet the fat, sassy girl and the equally popular Lady Gaga, life just wouldn’t be worth living.

“Look,” TPN said. “We’ll give you your own cubicle. You can hang those super-scaldingly hot pictures of yourself in your powder blue American Apparel booty shorts all over it.”

“Nothing doing,” we replied. “We already have a cubicle, and we’ve already decorated it with said super-scaldingly hot pictures, thank you very much. And if you can’t get us in front of America’s top hunks and starlets, there’s no point writing a pop culture column for you.”

Lots of people follow the Moustache Column of America, so it wasn’t long before the big-time offers started rolling in. We were the top free agent in a buyer’s market for pop culture columnists, and every major player made us an offer.

“You can pose shirtless in each column,” the city’s leading free newsweekly said. “It’ll be like that one Vanity Fair cover with Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba on it, only it’ll be just you and not either one of them. How does that sound?”

When pressed, these newsweekly people admitted they couldn’t get us in front of the best celebrities.

In short order, we “elimidated” them as surely as if they were a contestant on the new hit TV show “The Bachelor Pad.” “You’re fired,” we said, “and that’s our final answer.” Those lines are, or perhaps were, from hit TV shows too.

Finally, the student newspaper from the neighboring research university submitted its bid. There were a lot of numbers and complicated formulae in their contract, but they explained to us that all of that gobbledygook meant that we would get to fulfill our lifelong dreams of meeting JWoww, J.Lo and maybe even the fat, sassy girl herself. Since we’d harbored those lifelong dreams for nearly a month, we accepted eagerly.

Unfortunately, opening this new and totally amazing door means that we’ll have to close this smaller and slightly less amazing door.

Unless you happen to get a second chance to win a title, you get only one chance.

We don’t know a whole lot about how probability works, but we’re going to stay on the safe side and plan for just the one chance. Now, if we’ll get a second chance to win a title while we’re working on that first chance, who can say? The world works in mysterious ways.

We know how much we’ve meant to all of you, and we hope you can find it in your warm, warm hearts to forgive us. If it’s any consolation, please remember this: We did it for the children, and it was always about us.

Stay sweet, true believers.

But wait: The Moustache Club of America isn’t going anywhere. In fact, everyone’s favorite, hot college comedy column will be right here in The Pitt News for at least two more semesters. Isn’t that so wild that it’s crazy, or vice versa? And if you can’t get enough of us in your favorite award-winning student newspaper, check out our amazing bonus content at