Note to Self — Whether it is “seasonal depression” or just the first year of college, I have caught myself feeling sad sometimes, even if I spent the entire day doing things I loved. After all, sometimes a good cry is all you need — or, at least, all I need. I was beating myself up over the fact that I was sad, which led to me secluding myself at times, but in reality, there is nothing wrong with being alone. Having a roommate, especially since I am an only child, has been challenging as I feel like I have no privacy at times. I can not take the time to simply meditate or just decompress to the full extent I did at home. Taking time alone for myself to actually listen to what my thoughts are saying has been a very therapeutic thing for me.
Living in a dorm, I feel the need to always hang out with new people and to always be busy. I worried about what I could be missing out on and forced myself to go places even when I really did not want to. I learned that it is 100% OK to listen to your body if it is saying you need rest. This does not make me or anyone a loner or equal loneliness — it equals a strong mind. Going to study alone at Starbucks does not mean I am lonely — it means I can be productive and have less distractions. Having a good study buddy is good as well — I just am now learning that there can be a healthy balance between both.
There is such a strong and negative connotation around being alone. I felt like I could not be seen alone at The Eatery or in the William Pitt Union because people would think that I have no friends. Honestly, no one cares what you are doing, and it is, in a way, embarrassing that it took me 18 years to learn this. Doing things alone is honestly so much fun on a city campus like Pitt. Going to CVS to get my shower essentials, getting a coffee from Starbucks in the morning or taking a bus to Bakery Square — with pepper spray on me at all times — is so fun because it is so much different than high school. There is so much freedom that I have never felt before. I genuinely feel like I am my own Sims character — mainly on the weekends when I have no agenda for the day — because I am in my own simulation with only the responsibilities of keeping up with my academics and keeping myself safe and healthy. We are in the stage of life before all these responsibilities pile up on us, so why not enjoy the little things in life by ourselves at times?
I have made so many amazing friends at Pitt, but we all have diverse majors so our schedules do not align. For the first semester, I kept telling myself how lonely being alone was and how I felt like I was so alone here. I do not know what it was, but something thankfully snapped me out of that. This was not true — I just was not used to the fact that not all of my friends are in the same activities as me at the same time like back in high school. I mean, honestly, I was with my high school friends way too much at times — coming to school at 7 a.m., going home with my friends at 2:30 p.m. and then going back to school for drama rehearsal from 5:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. every day, you start to get sick of people. Not to mention, we had over half of our classes together. I am so grateful that I was able to be with my friends this much, but it did not help me with realizing that this would not always be the case for the rest of my life. Taking time out of our days to see our friends makes the hangouts so much more meaningful, as time is so precious in college and, honestly, in life. Time is the one thing we can not get back, and finding people who take time out of their days to spend time with me just proves I am surrounding myself with the right people.
Writing this blog while alone at Starbucks is not only more productive but also more aesthetic. I romanticize it by imagining I am in New York writing for a magazine — very “Sex and the City.” Even when I am walking alone and can hear my own thoughts, I learn something new about myself each time. Realizing that being alone and lonely are two different things has not only made me a better person but has even improved my mindset. Until next time.