If asked, most of us would say we’re anti-cheating. At least, I assume we would. The concept is socially reviled — a cheater is someone without self-control, a liar, morally skewed. So why is it a trope in so many popular shows and movies? We find ourselves rooting for the cheaters, physically or emotionally, without even realizing what we’re doing.

Rory cheats on Dean with Jess in “Gilmore Girls” — and then, Dean cheats on Lindsay with Rory … and then, Rory cheats on Logan with Jess, too. The famous Ross and Rachel from “Friends” have their first kiss while Ross is dating Julie. Same with Pam and Jim from “The Office.” In “How I Met Your Mother,” Ted kisses Robin after lying that he broke up with his long-distance girlfriend, then is forgiven for this behavior a couple of episodes later. And in the most explicit case, Carrie has an entire affair with Big while dating Aidan in “Sex and the City.” 

Granted, some of these examples are canonically recognized as crappy things for the characters to do, but it is still an example of a recurring theme. The main couple we’re supposed to be rooting for gets together to some degree while one or both of the people are in other relationships. 

And sure, not all of the shows I referenced have the same level of outward immorality. In “The Office,” Roy is an awful fiance to Pam, so it’s easier for the audience to hope she “dumps his ass!” for Jim. In many situations, there’s no “technical” cheating, just lots of longing looks over a partner’s shoulders. But in “Friends,” Ross’ girlfriend Julie is totally innocent, unaware of the situation she was walking into, unendingly sweet and even trying to befriend Rachel when she realizes there’s tension. And when Ross and Rachel kiss, there is no admonishment for the cheating from their friends, only a “wait, Ross, who will you choose?” The audience is essentially supposed to forget the specificities of the moment, focusing only on the pouring rain and dreamy music. 

But these are not examples from shows I hate or couples I hate — although I tend to lose respect for a pairing if they follow this pattern. This is content I enjoy, content that garners massive general popularity and excitement. And it is not just these shows. There are hundreds of other examples in every form of media, from sloppy writing as cringey as a straight-up affair to the love interests dating other people while still harboring feelings for each other. 

So what’s appealing about this? Is it just a writing strategy to add more tension, drama and stakes? Or is it a dynamic that somehow resonates with a population that, in real-life circumstances, would criticize the same situation? Do we secretly like cheaters?

On one hand, it is undeniably a plot strategy, albeit a rather lazy one. Every story needs stakes and roadblocks, something that the character is risking or could lose and something that is holding them back from their goals. Otherwise, the tale would be over in seconds with an easy confession and happy kiss. So when writers feel like there’s not enough holding the characters back from each other, they throw in another person for conflict. 

But why is that lazy? Well, for one, it’s so overdone that I could immediately list five examples off the top of my head. But beyond that, it always makes me feel a bit turned away from the couple I’m supposed to be rooting for. How can I believe they’re truly so meant for each other when one person is regularly sleeping with someone else? Plus, I resent the characters for not cutting things off with their lover the second they realize the object of their affection has changed. I’m never going to say that there’s something inherently evil in falling for someone while dating someone else — there are feelings in life we can’t control — but people should have the conscientiousness to end it the second things even get close to crossing a line. 

So if this plot strategy has so many pitfalls, so much predictability, why is it used time and time again, and why do we find ourselves still wanting to cheer as our OTP gets together despite it all? Can some good music and attractive actors completely turn our system of beliefs on its head? For one, I think the trope speaks to some secret, deep-down fears in many of us — fears that we could be falling for someone else while in a relationship or dating the wrong person. There’s something satisfying about seeing this situation we all fear turning out completely fine, watching a character be the “bad guy” we’re all afraid to be, but still getting the girl in the end. There’s forgiveness in this trope, that despite all our messy humanity, disloyalty, obtusion and carelessness, we are still deserving of our true love and happy ending. 

The other side of the coin is that people tend to be drawn to things that are taboo, even if we know it’s wrong. Perhaps there’s something sexy about the forbidden romance, about wanting someone you can’t have, whether that’s because you’re taken or they are. In real life, it’s not OK, but in a TV show, we can have fun with the longing looks and the tortured yearning, the messiness and the liking someone so much that you make mistakes. Thus, a behavior that’s never socially accepted can become culturally intriguing.

At the end of the day, none of us like cheaters. But the frequency of this trope reveals that there’s something in all of us drawn to the drama. Perhaps we know that deep down, none of us are perfect. 

I wrote this piece over the summer, editing it now for publication. Most of what I took out were statements where I asserted my moral superiority with shocking naivety. I’ve always hated this trope, but even in the past six months, I’ve gained more clarity. Human feelings are messy and complicated and — worst of all — out of our control. The most we can hope for is that even if we aren’t perfect, things will turn out okay. The audience will root for us anyway.