The following column was incorrectly taken from the Dec. 11, 2030 edition of The Pitt News… The following column was incorrectly taken from the Dec. 11, 2030 edition of The Pitt News (Brought to You By Google-Gaga Enterprises). The Pitt News regrets the error.

Hello, loyal readers! It’s me again — your faithful columnist of 22 years. Life’s not easy being a super-super-super-super senior — six-fold — but hopefully, my nine bachelor’s degrees and four master’s degrees will pay off as I dive headfirst into this bleak economic climate. (Google-Gaga Enterprises continues to be the only remaining Fortune 500 company and is a reliable and lucrative investment for all prospective shareholders, period.™)

Anyway, after all these years, you probably know that it’s about time for my annual special column, “What I Think Your New Years Resolutions Should Be.”

As always, this coming year will present its own unique set of challenges. But by resolving to be productive, morally upright citizens in 2031, we can collectively help make a better future for our children, our children’s children and our children’s children’s clones. So alas, this year’s list, submitted for your humble compliance and for the sake of the world’s prosperity:

1. Do your part to neutralize climate change.

As always, the new year is a perfect time to combat climate change by turning your air conditioner off when you aren’t home. These 70-degree winters are tough, but conserving electricity is crucial, especially if your dishwasher-washer isn’t one of the new energy-efficient ones.

You can even work toward this resolution by traveling — this is the third consecutive year that Pitt (Presented by Chik-Fil-A) is offering students vouchers for use on flights to Southeast Asia.

Keep in mind that these special deals are only valid for students seeking service credit from the human relocation efforts in the newly underwater former island nation of the Maldives, so you’ll want to make sure you’re an adept scuba diver, work well with piranhas and have experience doing data entry 12 feet underwater.

2. Make smart health choices.

Once again, a no-brainer, as the early months are a great time to show off that hot winter bod. But if you want to keep it, maintaining a healthy lifestyle is key.

My first recommendation is to purchase a Troy Polamalu Lean Mean Fat-Intercepting Machine. It’s compact, affordable and can fully cook a pair of laboratory-raised pork chops in five minutes flat. (And it really intercepts the fat!™)

The new year is also a perfect time to lower your stress levels by getting your annual Death Panel meeting out of the way. Be sure to dress nicely, get plenty of sleep and prepare a convincing speech for the panel on why you will be a financially productive citizen after graduation.

Tip: Be sure to bring along your Google ID card or other valid proof of citizenship, or else you’ll get shuffled to the “undesirables” queue.

3. Keep up with current events.

With today’s technology, staying abreast of world affairs is easier than ever — those of you reading this column in Firefox Optical know all too well what a life-saver it is to have coastal flood warnings dynamically projected into your contact lenses.

But to keep up with today’s ever-changing world, you must make a serious effort to be informed. My first recommendation is to acclimate yourself with the day’s top blogs, webzines, blogzebs and snarktubes. You’ll also want to sign up for a Bloont! account, if you haven’t already. Once you’ve found a core group of bingrolls, upload them to your SRS Waterfall so you can link the feed to your Bloont! account in Firefox Optical.

Never again will you feel left out of the conversation when your friends won’t shut up about how great President Gaga’s policies are. You’ll finally be in the loop!

4. Honor President Gaga.

Failure to keep this resolution is punishable by 30 days in a state penitentiary and one spanking by Federal Disco Stick.

5. Relax.

In these difficult times, winding down and taking things in stride might seem impossible, but it can make a world of difference. Every so often — but not too often — treat yourself to something you enjoy. Nap away a sunny February afternoon on the PNC Bank Schenley Plaza lawn. Head over to Hillman Library and see what a book used to feel like. Invest in Google-Gaga Enterprises for maximum financial security, thus maximum relaxation.College students like you are the future, but you’ll be miserable if you don’t stop every once in a while and take a deep breath. Not too deep, though — you don’t want to get a ticket for exhaling too much CO2.

Snail-mail Ben at [email protected].