Last week, the journal Science published a report analyzing Ardipithecus, a 4.4 million-year-old hominid species residing in the Middle Awash Valley in Ethiopia.

The published papers suggest that human ancestors underwent several significant evolutionary changes more than a million years prior to previous estimates. The estimates were namely those gathered through analysis of “Lucy,” a 3.2 million–year-old skeleton you’d have learned about in high school biology class, had you actually been paying attention and not blatantly ogling Susie Q’s thong.

The primary subject of the study, a female nicknamed “Ardi,” is now the oldest known hominid fossil. Her skeleton has shed new light on our evolutionary history.

While Lucy — a landmark discovery in terms of human lineage — probably walked exclusively on two legs, Ardi likely resorted to all fours to navigate trees. The skill must have been on its way out at the time, because today’s Homo sapiens are not adept tree climbers — as evidenced by the classic cat-in-a-tree predicament that has plagued mankind since the dawn of feline domestication.

Because Ardi wasn’t the upright walker that Lucy was and predates her by at least a million years, researchers are able to gather possible explanations for why we began walking on two legs in the first place.

One such hypothesis from Kent State University anthropologist C. Owen Lovejoy suggests that we may have started walking upright so scrawny Ardis who were incapable of dominating alpha Ardis could still impress lady Ardis by bringing them food — I know, totally romantic.

But first, this would require an ability to actually carry items with one’s arms. In other words, our upright ways might have been spurred by the enticing combination of food and sex.

My position at this newspaper affords me many privileges not enjoyed by the lay student, one of which is special access to the public relations contacts of historic 4-million-year-old archaeological specimens. With the aid of Ardi’s helpful — and quite sociable — PR representative, I was able to secure an exclusive interview with the biggest thing to hit the evolutionary charts since Australopithecus afarensis. Below is the transcript of the interview in its entirety:

BK: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with me, Ardi. And may I also say that you look fabulous at the age of 4 million.

ARDI: Thanks, though my bones have been a little brittle for the past few million years. It actually started getting worse during the study, so I got the researchers to grab me some calcium supplements from the drug store on the corner. That’s the good thing about being arguably the most important archaeological find since 1974.

BK: Some researchers say that some of your close ancestors began walking upright so they could easily court one another with food. I think you could offer a unique perspective on a question that plagues Homo sapiens to this day: Should the guy always pay? And if so, should the girl still leave the tip?

ARDI: Back in my day, men always took care of that stuff. Tipping in the modern sense wasn’t customary back then, but if you consider engaging in sexual intercourse with males who bring you food a “tip” of sorts, then yes, I was a really good tipper.

BK: What do you think of how the hominids have evolved since your heyday? Are you proud to call us your relatives?

ARDI: I don’t like what has become of the once-respectable Hominidae family. When I was your age, if the leader of a tribe started abusing his power, the rest of us would simply band together, ambush him and then perhaps cannibalize him. Now you’ve got these huge governments stock-piling nuclear weapons capable of exterminating millions. I find it appalling and, quite frankly, repugnant. [Emits a guttural scream and attempts to strike BK on the head with a rock.]

BK: I guess that means our time is up. Is there anything you’d like to add, Ardi?

ARDI: My thanks to you and The Pitt News for the opportunity. I also would like to — I know, I know, I’m shameless — plug my upcoming book, “No Bones About It: Why Being Buried in Arid Badlands for Four Million Years is the Secret to Looking Young,” which drops on Thanksgiving. Finally, I’d like to send a big “OOH OOH AH AH” to my homegirl Mardi back at the ‘Wash Valley — I told you I’d make it big, girl!

E-mail Ben at [email protected].