‘ Oh. Well hello there. It appears we’ve approached this door here at the exact same moment, a… ‘ Oh. Well hello there. It appears we’ve approached this door here at the exact same moment, a complex phenomenon that thrusts us both into a tragic state of social purgatory. Awkward! ‘ No, no, I insist. You go first. I’m in no rush. I am aware that it was me, in fact, who opened it, thus giving me ‘dibs.’ But it was nothing, honestly. It’s a door ‘mdash; it opens. I merely facilitated this unfortunate exchange. ‘ Besides, you’re a lady! It would be extremely rude if I were to go before you, regardless that I was the one to initially pull the’ ‘mdash; rather heavy ‘mdash; door ajar. If you were a guy, I’d probably already be on my way at this point, perhaps already bestowing my selfless charity upon someone else at that next set of swinging doors down the hall. ‘ No, no, I appreciate the gesture, but I insist. These terms are non-negotiable. Door-holding has its own set of conventions and norms that we must adhere to unwaveringly at risk of extensive scorn and public ridicule. ‘ For example, it is customary to check behind you as you’re approaching a door so that you may hold it open for anyone coming behind you. You’ll likely be thanked for this selfless act of grace and altruism for this nonchalant, yet somewhat genuine manner. You nod because it sounds simple, but I assure you, it is not. ‘ In some cases, perhaps you’re aware that someone is coming but you’re unsure if it would be worthwhile to not only hold the door for this stranger but also to hang around for a while until he or she catches up. In such cases, expect the degree of verbal gratuity to be variable in direct proportion to the length of time you sacrificed for the sake of this person not having to open his or her own door. ‘ For consistency purposes, you may want to consider establishing a personal time limit for such situations. Personally, if someone is more than 3.5 seconds behind me, I will not hold the door, although this value may vary depending on whether or not the person approaching is dealing with inclement weather or is particularly mean-looking. ‘ No, no, I don’t mean to patronize you. I’m just trying to make a point here, the crux of which is that my proceeding through this opening before you would irreparably tear the social fabric so delicately woven into our psyches since birth. That’s all. And then there’s the whole being nice to others thing. ‘ So, please, I urge you: proceed. Go first, if not for the sake of maintaining the universe’s equilibrium, for the sake of my left shoulder. It’s getting pretty sore at this point. ‘ Really? You’ll go? Please do. ‘ Well, you’re very welcome. Thank you for your ‘mdash; albeit somewhat delayed ‘mdash; compliance. But before we go our separate ways, I have only a few remarks regarding the manner in which you just thanked me. It underscores another point I would like to make with respect to the ethical conventions of holding doors. ‘ In situations where one pedestrian immediately follows another, the latter may be thanked offhandedly. A barely audible ‘anks’ or even ‘ks’ will suffice in these most mundane of circumstances. If both individuals are clearly in a hurry, you may bypass thanking altogether, although this is considered extremely rude and off-putting. ‘ But when the door holder has expended a larger than average amount of time and/or energy, the person being held for should give a hearty ‘thanks’ or even ‘thank you.’ In highly unusual circumstances, there’s even some eye contact. ‘ I’m giving you another chance here because you’re so painfully inexperienced at this. Since our exchange falls into the above category, I strongly advise you grace me with a much more clearly enunciated ‘thank you.’ A quick smile would be nice, too. ‘ OK? I’m waiting. Nothing? ‘ Listen lady, you can bypass standard thanking procedures under only three conditions (none of which you meet at the present): ‘ You need not thank someone for holding your door if you are elderly. Being old excuses you from pretty much anything. ‘ You need not thank your door holder if you are carrying something particularly heavy or cumbersome. ‘ Finally, you are excused from door-holding gratuity if you are eating something, as talking with your mouth full also transgresses polite conduct. ‘ You got all that? Good. Now get out there and start working on your etiquette. If you just keep in mind that being nice has rules, it could open doors for you. ‘ ‘ E-mail Ben at [email protected]. ‘