The prospect of staying up all night laboring over a stubborn paper or studying ourselves… The prospect of staying up all night laboring over a stubborn paper or studying ourselves into a stupor is an all-too-common college experience. When we face these daunting all-nighters, most of us want a little help staying sharp. While some might head for Starbucks, others reach for those glitzy, skinny bullet-shaped cans: energy drinks.

All energy drink brands seem to have two common qualities: appealing, flashy designs and logos and glib promises of getting you, well, energized.

Red Bull — probably the most ubiquitous energy elixir on the market — advertises that its drinkers will sprout wings upon consumption. But I’ve seen plenty of people popping cans of Red Bull at all hours, and I have yet to see anyone grow wings. Either way, people are drinking it right up.

I was quite curious as to the abilities of energy drinks when the beverage buzz began several years ago, so I sampled a few of the big-name brands. To my disappointment, I found they all taste like battery acid, and I’d probably only drink one, were I about to compete in a triathlon.

Really, you can hardly blame me for expecting a lot out of this juice. Monster provides a ‘wicked mega hit’ of energy, at least according to the description on the can. Judging by that gnarly description, a single sip should have me about ready to scale the Cathedral.

And maybe it would. These drinks contain a superior chemical concoction of energizers like taurine, ginseng and, of course, copious amounts of caffeine. But the health maladies associated with high caffeine intake range from restlessness to nausea, tremors and rapid heart rate.

Now, I suppose these risks might be worth it to someone who has to endure the occasional all-nighter, but when today’s energy addicts need a 17 oz. Red Bull just to get out of bed, I think there’s something wrong.

I just can’t think of a reason to have to down energy drinks just to get through the day with your eyes open. Unless they’re used marginally and at appropriate times — namely when the body is under acute physical or mental strain — consumption of these beverages only cheats the body of nature’s natural energizer. And no, I don’t mean coffee. I mean sleep.

The energy drink craze tells us more than anything else that sleep is becoming a luxury that the vast majority of people can’t afford any more. We’re simply not getting enough — but everyone knows that already.

What’s truly interesting is that the craze highlights our inclination to take the easy way out. Even the most strung-out energy addict realizes that downing one of those little five-hour energy shots and chasing it with a Monster doesn’t equate to a good night’s rest. But hey, a good night’s rest takes eight hours. Shotgunning a Cocaine — actually a real energy drink — takes eight seconds.

It’s not the beverages themselves that are the real problem. It’s our misuse of them. I’ve heard some energy addicts say they started out with one drink just to make it through that lunch hour lull and are now consuming upward of two or three cans over the course of the day.

And an energy addict must consume more and more of his drug to maintain that perpetual chemical high. The conniving manufacturers behind these beverages know our habits all too well. The users get addicted to where they’ll easily pay the inflated $2 to $3 for a single hit. The U.S. market for energy drinks was estimated at $5.4 billion in 2006, according to an article in USA Today, and grows at an annual rate of 55 percent per year.

The only way to negotiate the unavoidable energy crash is to go to sleep — clearly not an option — or crack another can.

And if you go to sleep, you know the only way you’ll finish that 10-page paper is in your dreams. So go ahead, pop open the can. You’ll be feeling good in a moment, revved as a chainsaw by the time you finish it.

But we shouldn’t be surprised how successful energy beverages are. The rage reflects a long-standing mentality: If something’s not right with our bodies, there’s always an ingestible product to quell our discomforts.

Why should you have to deal with a headache? Quick, pop an Advil. Did that Market Central macaroni give you an upset stomach? Yay, Pepto Bismol! Too tired to make it through today’s history lecture? Head to the refrigerators in the back of 7-Eleven and take your pick of pick-me-ups. Or maybe you’ve had one too many Red Bulls and now you can’t get to sleep. Don’t worry. Sleeping pills are available over the counter.

The point I’m trying to make can be found in perhaps the most ironic place: right on the can. Below that long list of unpronounceable ingredients, there’s a warning on Monster cans that reads: ‘Consume responsibly — Limit three cans per day. Not recommended for children, pregnant women or people sensitive to caffeine.’

Thanks for the warning, Monster, but I think I’ll leave the drink in the can and get some sleep instead.

E-mail Keith at [email protected]