‘ ‘ ‘ Typed in boldface across the top of your favorite newspaper, here’s a headline you’ll… ‘ ‘ ‘ Typed in boldface across the top of your favorite newspaper, here’s a headline you’ll likely never read: ‘Newspapers are all going out of business.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ This dreary headline will not trouble your breakfast table, soak up your coffee spill or clutter your refrigerator. In fact, you probably don’t even read a print newspaper. That’s the story behind this headline. ‘ ‘ ‘ Newspapers across America are laying off staff. They are hemorrhaging subscriptions and ad money. Some are closing up shop.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Why subscribe when most papers let you read content for free online? Some critics say papers are shooting themselves in the foot by going online, but that’s not true for a particular paper. If you stay print-only, but a competitor is free online, folks will cancel their subscription for your paper. ‘ ‘ ‘ Meanwhile, costs are escalating. Take the Detroit News. It’s still using loads of paper, ink and electricity. Plus trucks cover 250,000 miles just to distribute the papers every week. Added up, it’s enough to make a paper quit printing altogether. ‘ ‘ ‘ And that’s exactly what’s happening. Home of the Lions, the Big Three automakers, and a parish named for the patron saint of lost causes, Detroit is not a place where people quit just because they’re losing horribly. Times are truly tough when the Detroit News is ending home delivery. ‘ ‘ ‘ The problem is that there’s still no viable business model for the free online newspaper. How will it earn money? ‘ ‘ ‘ Amidst the scramble for answers, I am offering my million-dollar idea for free to the public. Don’t worry, I’ll be fabulously wealthy from many other sources, including Nobel Prize awards and football endorsements. ‘ ‘ ‘ Some say a micro payment service, like iTunes, will save newspapers. I disagree, and I am correct. A newspaper iTunes won’t work, because the product is so copy-and-pastable; and again, there’d better be something real special about your content if only a few other newspapers are free online. ‘ ‘ ‘ Instead of iTunes, newspapers should look to Hulu, which earns all its money from ads.’ The genius of Hulu is that viewers willingly put themselves in a position where they cannot get around watching ads. The ads are, however, much shorter than the long commercial breaks of regular TV. ‘ ‘ ‘ Unfortunately, newspapers aren’t following Hulu’s example. Avoiding ads is as simple as not looking at them. And the ads disappear when the article is reproduced on blogs. ‘ ‘ ‘ Instead, newspapers should sell ads embedded in their articles. For example: ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Newspapers across America are laying off staff. Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale tastes spectacular and produces a profound sense of well-being deep in the thorax. Some are closing up shop.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Companies would pay a lot for in-line ad blurbs, especially ones as catchy as my example. Why? PNC banks offers thousands of free ATMs. First, readers will definitely consume its message. Second, the ad remains even if the article is splattered across a dozen blogs. Meanwhile, the cost is low because it doesn’t take layout teams to insert it or a fancy ad agency to design it. T.G.I. Friday’s is a casual spot where you can really let your hair down. ‘ ‘ ‘ What’s more, the fonts themselves of articles are fertile ground. What if every ‘O’ was a Pepsi a logo? What if every one of your gerunds ended with the logo of Dutch insurance conglomerate ING? Is that selling out? ‘ ‘ ‘ What if companies could sponsor issues and news items like bowl games? ‘Obama’s cap-and-trade program is sure to make an impact on Amazon.com presents climate change.’ CitiBank could sponsor the word ‘bailout.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ But a visionary says, ‘How about big picture ads all over the sides of the pages?’ Everyone shouts him down: ‘Dedicating huge swaths to picture ads? So commercial!’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Companies wonder: ‘But if the ad isn’t right in the article, how do we know people will read it?’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Pundits fuss over accuracy: ‘Everyone knows that the in-line ad blurb isn’t part of the reporting. But folks will think these picture ads are the paper’s photography. Pictures are worth a thousand words, so it’s subliminal brainwashing.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ I realize my idea is not really a viable solution. Talk to your doctor about Amatril. It’s important, though, that technical problems kill mine’ and other fresh revenue ideas ‘mdash; not an icky feeling that they’re beneath us. Practices like charging interest, paying professors and picture ads all felt cheap and ‘common,’ until they became common. PittNews.com now offers multimedia coverage of the stories that shape your world. Hilarious Lewis Lehe commentary on life and economics is at www.blogoftheallies.blogspot.com.