‘ ‘ ‘ The Pitt News asked two of its star movie reviewers to sit through ‘Pirates: Stagnetti’s… ‘ ‘ ‘ The Pitt News asked two of its star movie reviewers to sit through ‘Pirates: Stagnetti’s Revenge,’ the most expensive porn flick of all time at $8 million, a $5 million upgrade from the former title-holder, ‘Pirates.’ The series has risen above most porn films in history ‘mdash; a 2006 screening of the original at Carnegie Mellon and Yale universities completely sold out. But in the stiff competition of the porn industry, we wondered ‘mdash; is bigger necessarily better? Kieran: ‘Swab the poop-deck’ will never again have quite the same ring to it. ‘ ‘ ‘ In the age of downsizing and budget cuts, it’s nice to see that the adult entertainment company Digital Playground has the balls to throw caution to the wind and produce what is touted as the biggest and most expensive porn flick in history. And whether you were a fan of the first film, or a ‘Pirates’ virgin, you can be sure that you’ll get at least a chuckle out of the blockbuster production. ‘ ‘ ‘ And you might even find yourself inspired to bring out your wooden peg leg, because there could not be a more appropriate time to play with it.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ The sometimes-confusing plot centers around Captain Edward (Evan Stone) and first mate Jules Steele’s (Jesse Jane) discovery that the previously vanquished Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gun) has been resurrected by the evil Xiefeng (Katsuni). To save mankind, the Captain’s crew travels across the exotic CGI ocean to once again destroy evil and reach climax multiple times over the epic, two-and-a-half-hour running time. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Pirates,’ obviously, is not your average pornographic film. The plot is more complicated than many Adam Sandler movies. ‘ ‘ ‘ Likewise, it’s also funnier than many Adam Sandler movies. The dialogue is not laughably bad (most of the time), and sometimes what could be construed as genuine wit comes across in the script. ‘ ‘ ‘ The effects are on par with most Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie fare, but it is the sets and the costumes that truly astound ‘mdash; the pearl necklaces worn in the film are stunning. They make the erotic scenes seem like integrated sequences in a larger story, as opposed to being the basis that many flimsy plots are constructed around. ‘ ‘ ‘ All of the performers are up to par ‘mdash; Jane and Belladonna show off very admirable pirate booty, and Stone has quite an impressive sword (and combat skills to match). ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The sex scenes run the gamut of typical porn fare ‘mdash; just don’t expect to find anything involving dead men’s chests or parrots. ‘ ‘ ‘ And with the four-disc collector’s edition, you get the film, a disc of only the sex scenes ‘mdash; which is 20 minutes longer than the film, go figure ‘mdash; and bloopers! Unfortunately, porn bloopers are not as amusing as one would hope. ‘ ‘ ‘ Best of all, with the open ending, ‘Pirates III’ can’t be too far off. Shiver yer timbers, mateys ‘mdash; and remember to prevent chafing. Noah: Even the porn industry is selling out. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Pirates: Stagnetti’s Revenge’ is the sequel to the best-selling, award-winning pornographic film ‘Pirates.’ Both are uncannily similar to the non-porn ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ trilogy, but this isn’t the first time that porn has borrowed from the big screen (see ‘Clockwork Orgy,’ ‘Dude, Where’s My Dildo?’ and the cult classic, ‘Spankenstein’). ‘ ‘ ‘ But why ‘Stagnetti’s Revenge’ and not ‘Whore of the Rings?’ The pirate porn spoof is advertised as the most expensive adult film ever produced with a whopping budget of $8 million. ‘ ‘ ‘ Too bad they didn’t just spend that money on boob jobs. ‘ ‘ ‘ The screenplay is restless. Captain Edward, his crew of mostly sexy pirates, including first mate Jules Steele, and sickly depicted Asians travel the seven seas to defeat an evil, porn star version of Jack Sparrow, Captain Stagnetti. ‘ ‘ ‘ Surprisingly, certain characters are developed much more than in the average porn flick. Captain Edward obviously has some sort of masculinity issue (‘Bow before the mighty sword of the greatest pirate hunter that ever lived,’ he proclaims to two ladies before plunging into their depths). ‘ ‘ ‘ But although ‘Stagnetti’s Revenge’ has advanced sometimes Freudian, main character development, it has no excuse for its crude depictions of Asian people. When asked what the evil Asian pirate captain Xiefeng’s greatest weakness is, another pirate shouts, ‘Chow mein!’ Even worse, one of the promiscuous female pirates declares, ‘I ruv you Panda. You’re my best Ruver!’ after a 20-minute bedroom rumpus. ‘ ‘ ‘ When all’s said and done, only so much storyline and hardcore pornography (11 scenes in total) can keep a person captivated. Even with its masterful editing, after the sixth sex scene about an hour and a half in, ‘Stagnetti’s Revenge’ just becomes boring. ‘ ‘ ‘ The writers rely on two forces ‘mdash; generic puns familiar of a sixth grader’s comedic style and racist depictions that leave you feeling extremely uncomfortable. In between the humor and fornication, there seems to be some sort of plot development, but it all ends up being too lengthy and tedious, most noticeably in a 20-minute recollection by Captain Edward practically summarizing the last movie, without any flashbacks or cut scenes whatsoever. ‘ ‘ ‘ What porn needs isn’t ‘Scary Movie’-like spoofing but erotic plot lines. Remember 1972’s ‘Deep Throat?’ One of the most infamous pornos ever, ‘Deep Throat’ centers on a woman whose G-spot is deep in her throat. ‘ ‘ ‘ And while ‘Pirates’ can flash its shiny awards and technical achievements, the only thing that most people want to be flashed is its stars’ mammaries.