Have you ever seen ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid’? If you’re about to watch it for the… Have you ever seen ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid’? If you’re about to watch it for the first time, bring along some essential items: 1. At least 100 trash cans 2. Bottled water 3. Robert Redford 4. Popcorn And another pointer, do not view it with any Bolivians. Once prepared, you can put in the DVD and begin viewing this timeless classic. The film begins with a gambling scene. The Sundance Kid is cheating, and this guy asks, ‘What’s your secret?’ and the Sundance Kid replies, ‘Prayer.’ For the characters, this is a joke, but for the viewer it is a suggestion that you pray ‘mdash; something like, ‘Lord, help me bear the cross of watching the worst movie ever made.’ I instructed you to bring the trash cans because you will want to vomit constantly at every stupid line in this cinematic massacre. I told you to bring 100 because you will want to vomit about 100 times in each of the trash cans. Don’t worry; the bottled water will keep you hydrated. Don’t forget, you’ll want Robert Redford there. Every few lines you’ll have an urge to shake Robert Redford violently and demand, ‘Why did you take this role?’ until he moans shamed in sackcloth and ashes. The popcorn will come in handy … because popcorn goes great with movies! Here is a quick plot summary: First, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid are in Utah. They rob trains left and right, yet they never kill anybody. They go to great lengths to avoid killing people, and for this, they are beloved by the people and on good terms with the bumbling sheriff. They even blow one guy up with dynamite, twice, but he still doesn’t die. They knew he wouldn’t die because they are at once masters of both demolition and human physiology. The two even develop quite the rapport with this fellow they keep blowing up! Why don’t these outlaws kill? Because Butch Cassidy has a heart of gold, as evidenced by how he is so beloved by whores. These whores have hearts of gold, too, evidenced by how deeply they love Butch Cassidy. Then, when things get risky because someone other than a Barney Fife derivative gets up high and mighty on a soapbox and tries inhibiting the respectable train-robbing vocation, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid decide to ‘turn straight.’ For these lovable rascals, turning straight means taking the town’s only teacher and carrying out an assault on Bolivia. In Bolivia, they start robbing banks where the impoverished Andean townsfolk store their savings for the hard times and get loans for basic investments. The unbreakable scruples that bound Butch Cassidy back in the U.S. dissolve entirely when, instead of white people, he faces dark-skinned Andeans. The supposed gentlemen start gunning down Andean people right and left. Bam, bam, bam! There’s no end to it! The only thing missing is a scene where they sing ‘One little, two little, three little Indians.’ Throughout the whole blood-curdling crapfest, the tone is light-hearted and gay. You could make a good movie, using this same dialogue, which would turn out quite dark and probing ‘mdash; probably about how people can be charming but also very vicious. Instead, the director hits us with ‘Raindrops Keep Falling On my Head’ and insists we love these shallow bastards. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid are supposed to be flawed but affable Huck Finns. Who are we to judge their lifestyle, rich in larceny and mass murder as it might be? Apart from its pronounced racism and immorality, ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid’ is a horrible movie for reasons that would make Francisco Pizarro turn it off. The movie poses no dramatic question to its viewers. You never wonder whether they will really ‘turn straight.’ Even in ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ ‘mdash; a movie almost totally devoid of plot ‘mdash; I wondered if Pedro would win class president. ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid’ could literally end at any random time. After all, the movie just repeats the same boring scene: BUTCH CASSIDY and THE SUNDANCE KID crouch behind [insert]. Bullets whiz past. THE SUNDANCE KID Think of a way to get out of this fix. BUTCH CASSIDY [clever comment] They escape. The Bolivians are not the true victims, however. After all, many Bolivians don’t have DVD players. The real crime is against good Americans, who will watch this movie because there is a heinous lie going around that ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid’ has anything on ‘Gigli.’ I now see why Paul Newman gave so much to charity: nagging guilt over inflicting ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid’ on millions. In a free republic like ours, the first line of defense is the citizens themselves. Tell your friends, ‘Don’t watch this awful movie.’ E-mail Lewis at [email protected].