The holidays are a happy time, but not for everyone.

“Holidays in particular can be… The holidays are a happy time, but not for everyone.

“Holidays in particular can be difficult times for people that are grieving,” said Allan Zuckoff, a professor in Pitt’s School of Medicine. “At these times we tend to expect ourselves to be happy. If we’re not happy we might feel out of place and might get upset with ourselves or feel that we have to isolate ourselves.”

Zuckoff presented a lecture last night at the Carnegie Library titled “Grief and Its Complications: How Grief Works (and When It Isn’t Working).”

Grief is a natural and universal reaction after a traumatic event, said Zuckoff. He focused on grief resulting from the death of a loved one during his lecture.

“Bereavement is something we all experience. It’s the cost of loving people,” said Zuckoff.

The first days, weeks or months are considered early stages of grief. At this time it’s not uncommon for the mourner to feel anger, regret or nervousness over the loved one’s death. If the mourner remembers something particularly funny or comforting about the deceased, even positive emotions can surface albeit they are initially only temporary, said Zuckoff.

As grief runs its course, these positive emotions overpower the negative. The griever finds solace in the comforting memories of the deceased person.

“Generally, grief doesn’t end. But it moves into the background and life goes on,” said Zuckoff. “The more positive emotions come to the foreground. [They] give us a sense of comfort.”

But those unable to cope with the loss of a love one can develop a more serious syndrome called complicated grief. One symptom includes the failure of memories of the person to ever bring any relief.

“When the positive memories come, [the griever] is [still] overwhelmed with sadness,” said Zuckoff. “Memories don’t bring comfort, they bring pain and sadness.”

Those suffering from complicated grief are also prone to momentarily forgetting the deceased is really gone.

“When the reverie ends reality comes crashing back in and it’s very painful,” said Zuckoff.’

The mourner might also feel guilty for not stopping the loved one’s death, even if prevention was impossible. Furthermore, the griever feels that if he lessens his lament, he would be betraying his loved one. The griever feels that grief is the emblem of his love, and by grieving intensely, he proves his love, said Zuckoff.

Other symptoms include avoiding anything that serves as a reminder of the deceased. This could entail staying out of certain rooms of a house or refusing to look at photographs of the loved one. But total avoidance of reminders is not viable because the mourner must have shared much of his life with the lost loved one, said Zuckoff.

Zuckoff also presented ways to alleviate grief. Some people found setting aside specific times to grieve helped. But no cures are universal. Some might find relief in isolation while others may need to be around people. Activities that alleviate grief are diverse.

“If going shopping gives you comfort, go shopping,’ said Zuckoff. “If it’s more comforting to be in a crowd, be in a crowd.”

Some grievers are disinclined to talk about their situation with loved ones in fear of bringing them down too. But Zuckoff recommends otherwise.

“Let the people in your life know what you need from them. It can be very simple like letting them know you don’t feel like reading Christmas cards this year,” said Zuckoff. “The more concrete and specific you are, the more helpful they’ll be.”