‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Where is Max Fischer when you need him? They say Latin is dead, but now it… ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Where is Max Fischer when you need him? They say Latin is dead, but now it is losing what little ground it has left. ‘ ‘ ‘ Associated Press reports have been coming out of Britain describing the recent movement to have all Latin phrases edited out of official government documents. The local councils in Bournemouth and Salisbury City have adopted a ‘plain language’ policy, which considers Latin terminology too confusing for the public’s understanding. Commonly used Latin terms have been banned to make way for more user-friendly synonyms: Bona fide is now ‘genuine,’ and ‘improvised’ has replaced ad hoc. ‘ ‘ ‘ I know that not everyone is familiar with it, but Latin is so much a part of our everyday English that most of us throw it around frequently without even realizing. Its tradition and history is remarkable in itself, regarded as the language of the learned in European societies. For centuries, to speak Latin was to carry a status symbol with you wherever you traveled. Scientists, scholars and religious leaders decrypted its meanings, and only those who had enough time and resources on their hands could access its mysteries. ‘ ‘ ‘ On the flip side, lots of people probably looked at Latin with disdain for that very reason. Anyone who came from a peasant class would likely never understand its speaker, either linguistically or socially. It is particularly difficult to understand, and most obviously, no one really speaks it on a regular conversational basis. There are some fair knocks against Latin out there, but the case against it today ‘mdash; that Latin is simply not common enough to justify any form of its widespread usage ‘mdash; is poppycock. ‘ ‘ ‘ Today Latin is the official language of the Vatican City. You can still attend Catholic masses in Brooklyn that are performed entirely with the priest reading passages in Latin and the church chanting its hymns likewise. The U.S. Marine Corp lives by the Latin slogan, ‘Semper Fidelis’ or ‘always faithful.’ Pitt’s seal champions the motto ‘Veritas et Virtus,’ ‘truth and virtue.’ And if you ever try to read any kind of legal jargon or even the opinions of our Supreme Court, you’ll be much better served by having a decent grasp of Latin’s basics, as it is embedded into the very foundation of our English language. ‘ ‘ ‘ Without a doubt, one of the most impressive minds I’ve ever encountered belongs to my high school Latin teacher. In most situations, she would probably come across as unremarkable. She looks very much like your average high school teacher, stands a few inches under the median female height and tells stories of her days working as a convenience store clerk. But after spending two furious years under her tutelage trying to grasp the Latin language, I will forever deem her my intellectual superior. ‘ ‘ ‘ Anyone who has tried to make sense of Latin after only being exposed to English all their life will understand my simultaneous frustration with the language and respect for those who have mastered it. It starts out simple enough: ‘Puer’ means boy, and ‘aqua’ means water. But without much in the way of warning, you’ll soon progress to declensions. In order to properly set up a sentence in Latin, you have to take gender and letter endings into account and then determine which of the five declensions you want to use. On top of that, nouns come in six different flavors, with the function of the ablative case eluding me to this day. It is difficult to imagine what new difficulties arise after this, which is why I cut my Latin career short after just two years. ‘ ‘ ‘ And although I am nothing close to an expert, my time in high school Latin has actually helped me out in a few real world situations. Just last week, I happened to engage in two separate discussions about the Spike Jonze movie ‘Adaptation.’ Did I understand the dual-nature of the main character, its subtle criticisms of the Academy or much less the basic plot structure? Oh goodness, no. But I kept my mouth shut, and when I saw my opening, I struck from left field by remarking that the ending was disappointing because it utilized the alligator as a ‘deus ex machina’ to artificially resolve the danger. Just like that, everyone was quiet, allowing me to slip in that I was promoted to Grade 2 Gunnery Sergeant in ‘Halo 3.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ So be it if the Brits want to cut their ties with the most prestigious language the modern world has known, I won’t let it happen here. I will continue my overuse of the phrases ‘quid pro quo’ and ‘gesta non verba’ with little regard for their conversational relevancy. Any language that helps me sound well-read and thoughtful by tossing around a handful of its most popular phrases deserves my defense. ‘ ‘ ‘ Igitur qui desiderat Latin, praeparet bellum. Probe Brandon’s superficial grasp of Latin at [email protected].