‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Every year around the time of homecoming the Pitt campus begins wailing about its… ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Every year around the time of homecoming the Pitt campus begins wailing about its lack of tradition. Students wring their hands because the campus has too little spirit, officers of various clubs and bodies scramble to invent a happening that will go down in the memory of the campus, and Tevye starts singing. I didn’t even know we had a homecoming until my junior year. The whole mess is a sad state of affairs. ‘ ‘ ‘ To solve this problem, I got to thinking that we should amend the homecoming ceremony so that it is an event no student will ever forget. It would have to be something that not only has universal appeal but allows for widespread student participation. As usual when I’m strapped for ideas, I turned to mythology. As Maureen Dowd wrote recently in a New York Times column, much of which is in pseudo-Latin, ‘With modernity crumbling, our thoughts turn to antiquity.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Sometime after I entertained the less practical plans of having the homecoming court emerge from a large wooden horse or having the king eat his children, I happened upon the idea of modeling our homecoming after Ulysses’ homecoming in ‘The Odyssey.’ I dare say that no homecoming is better known, and it would make Pitt’s a national phenomenon. ‘ ‘ ‘ The homecoming celebration would begin with bringing the queen back from the previous year and proudly displaying her on the Cathedral’s balcony. She would be equipped, of course, with a tapestry that reads ‘Steeler Nation.’ Next, the men and women of this year’s court would be fitted in Oakland Zoo shirts and servant-girl outfits. Throughout the week leading up to homecoming, the men of the court would take turns petitioning last year’s queen for her hand. Each time they will be flatly refused and commiserate with each other at Boomerang’s. The women of the court would flirt with the men. ‘ ‘ ‘ Meanwhile, the king from last year would be dressed in beggar’s clothing and allowed to live in the log cabin on the Cathedral lawn. This would be a hit with college students who could taunt the old fool as they stumble down Forbes toward Antoon’s during the wee hours of the night. Won’t they be surprised to find out that the old beggar is no ordinary Oakland vagrant? ‘ ‘ ‘ On the day of homecoming, a grand assembly would be called in the Cathedral’s first floor. The fireplaces would be ceremoniously lit and a roasting pig on a spit would be placed in every study alcove. A festival of carnival games would ensue, in which the men of the court would have lamb-eating contests, Jell-O wrestling and a symbolic archery competition with an abnormally tough bow. The women of the court would still be wooing the males. ‘ ‘ ‘ After all of the male court members fail to string the bow, last year’s king would come to the stage, still dressed as a beggar. He would easily pull back the string and send an arrow through the spread legs of the fiberglass panther statues, their coats of paint still fresh from this year’s clubs. ‘ ‘ ‘ Revealing himself to be last year’s king, the beggar would disrobe and enact a display of violence on this year’s court, the likes of which have never been seen and are probably impossible. Lots of things would be ‘rent in two.’ He would then proceed to do the same to the entire lineages of the court members. The student spectators probably wouldn’t be spared, either. Finally satisfied, he would reunite with last year’s queen and they would dance to ‘Blue Moon’ between the elevators. ‘ ‘ ‘ Now, you might have some misgivings about this ceremony: the vegetarian’s concerns about pigs on a spit, the high cost of enough streamers and papier-mache to make Oakland look like Ithaca, etc. However, I ask you, ‘At what cost tradition?’ You can’t have an omelet without breaking a few thousand eggs. I am unaware of a school that would have a more epic homecoming, and the gratuitous audience participation would be a great unifying gesture to the student body. ‘ ‘ ‘ This tradition might hit a few snags, mostly because it could only be performed once. And as it would dispense with the entirety of this year’s court ‘mdash; and the court members’ next of kin ‘mdash; it might not be the most conducive for electing a new king to carry on the tradition. Well, at least we would have one great year of homecoming. ‘ ‘ ‘ How would we raise enough money for the affair? We could have ‘Odyssey’-themed fundraisers. The Rowing Club and the Heinz Chapel Choir could face off in the old boating vs. song competition. Tickets could be sold, and bets could be taken. Sodexho could sell Circe’s Pigs in a Blanket at the local dining halls. Humans vs. zombies could become Cyclopses vs. men in sheepskins. ‘ ‘ ‘ All in all, I think it would be a banner success. If any members of SGB are reading this, consider this column my formal proposal. Tell Erik you approve of his plan for next year at [email protected].