‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve been competitive to a fault for as long as I can remember. When I played… ‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve been competitive to a fault for as long as I can remember. When I played hide-and-seek as a child, I always avoided hiding in the kitchen or garage so that there wouldn’t be an assortment of sharp objects lying around with which I might impulsively maim an innocent seeker in an act of uninhibited frustration when they found me. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I can’t say I can trace the original source of my debilitating competitiveness, but I’m pretty sure that the fear of losing has something to do with it. For instance, when my Little League coach would promise us a pizza party if we won, I’d always ask, ‘But if we lose, coach?’ He’d then take me by the hand, walk me over to the bleachers and ask, ‘Whose smart aleck kid is this?’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Go Mudcats?’ my mom would say. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ So as you might expect, I can’t help but dwell on the often-ignored fate of the loser of the upcoming presidential election. I haven’t heard either candidate start a sentence with ‘If I lose.’ With Sen. Obama, it’s always, ‘If I win, I’m going to do this.’ Then Sen. McCain rebuts, ‘And if I win, I’m going to do that.’ For once, though, I’d like to hear about the elephant ‘mdash; or donkey ‘mdash; in the room: failure. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ If Obama loses, what will become of all his loyal supporters? What are they going to do with all that hope and change they’ve been stockpiling for the past 20 months? Put it in storage for another four years? Please. Everybody knows that change is a dish best served piping hot, like a good kugel. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ And what about all those inspirational ‘Yes We Can’ chants? If I had been involved in such a chorus even once, I’d be asking myself a lot of serious questions in the event of an Obama loss. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ For instance, I might be with a very special lady friend, and she’d ask me if I could try doing something she’d seen in a certain independent film. I’d start to say ‘Yes, I can,’ but I’d then catch myself right there in the middle and remember what happened the last time I uttered that phrase. I’d stop and think, ‘But we couldn’t.’ And there goes the very special lady friend right out the door, never to be seen or heard from again. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Speaking of which, what would Michelle Obama think of her husband if he loses? That’s got to be awkward. What do you tell your wife when you lose your campaign for the presidency? ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘It’s OK, honey. The presidential bedroom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I heard a rumor that the White House maids use generic brand fabric softener.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Luckily, Barry isn’t alone in this predicament ‘mdash; McCain isn’t looking at a particularly peachy post-election tenure either. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Sure, his rhetorical flogging of the term ‘my friends’ might very well earn him a couple of votes in the coveted friendless people demographic. But if the senator from Arizona is indeed thwarted, he’ll soon have 50 million defunct supporters thinking they’re also his best buddy. Remember that kid in junior high who always sat with your crew at lunch because he thought you were pals, but in reality he just made you really uncomfortable all the time? If McCain loses, I predict he’ll see 50 million of his fellow countrymen in that light by May 2009. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Though, perhaps the biggest issue that the losing candidate faces is what to do with his now-obsolete plans for bettering the nation. Obama has spent countless hours of his valuable elitist time perfecting what he sees as a foolproof health care plan. McCain has probably made the ultimate sacrifice by staying up past 9 p.m. at least twice amending his tax policy. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Is all their hard work for naught? I say: not by a long shot. The loser could make a killing just typing up his old proposals in Word documents and selling them to Internet essay mills. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Then, once the nation’s high school social studies teachers start seeing 42-page expositions on the pitfalls of earmarking in 11-grade term papers, they’d ask their students, ‘Did you guys really think that I wouldn’t recognize this as the work of a presidential also-ran?’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ And they’d respond, ‘Go Mudcats?’ Submit your original treatise on pork-barrel spending or hope to Ben at [email protected] after Nov. 4.