I could grow a beard if I felt like it. Trust me. If I really felt like it, I could grow… I could grow a beard if I felt like it. Trust me. If I really felt like it, I could grow three or four beards. I don’t mean that I could grow an extra long beard. I mean I could grow beards on another two or three other people’s faces.

I’ve heard that in Kazakhstan all men are required by law to grow beards. I don’t support such policies because I think a lot of guys simply don’t feel like growing beards. I’m like that, for example. If I lived in Kazakhstan, though, I’d be forced to grow a beard and so, I would, no problem. But I don’t want to, and that’s why I don’t live in Kazakhstan. That’s also why I’m a Libertarian. It’s all fine and good for a big-government liberal like Hillary Clinton to grow a beard, but as soon as she starts mandating “beardage” for the citizenry, I draw the line!

I don’t even have to grow a beard to get a lot of the beard’s benefits. They don’t teach you this in health class, girls, but when guys walk around, they are constantly scoping each other out, seeing who can grow beards. We can just tell. And when we see a guy who can’t grow a beard, we let him know with a glare. One time I went up to a man in the mall and was like, “Can I borrow your beard trimmer, dude?” Although he drove a hybrid Hummer H2 and dated a beautiful violinist, at my request, his countenance dimmed, his voiced cracked and he choked, “Um. I can’t