Ladies and gentlemen, we need to talk about animal poop.

The subject matter may not be the… Ladies and gentlemen, we need to talk about animal poop.

The subject matter may not be the most pleasant, but recent news has suggested that the digestive wastes of our four-legged friends are good for more than just collecting in a paper bag and igniting on an elderly neighbor’s doorstep.

Several inventive retailers have unveiled snazzy, useful new products that, in one way or another, unlock the magic and mystery of animal dookies.

The first is a line of stool-inspired stationery.

The Associated Press reports that Creative Paper Tasmania, an environmentally-minded, Australian paper company, is recycling kangaroo and wallaby droppings into writing paper and envelopes — which I can only hope are self-adhesive.

“It’s something that gets our eco-friendly message home to a lot of people,” said Joanne Gair, manager of the company.

Creative Paper Tasmania has already produced some of the poopy paper, but the company lacks sufficient amounts of the key ingredient.

“We are finding it very difficult to get the quantity of poo we need,” Gair said. “We are hoping the community will help by collecting poo for us and dropping it off in plastic bags.”

Yesterday, I went to the Pittsburgh Zoo and headed down to the kangaroo area with a bag of bran muffins, a pooper-scooper and a few hours of spare time. Later, I airmailed Gair my contribution. I hope you all do the same.

Meanwhile, Room Candy Inc., a U.S. manufacturer of pet toys and furniture, is not making anything out of animal doo-doos, but it is celebrating them.

“Pet lovers who know the messy business of cleaning up after their pets can now have a little laugh,” the company said in a press release. The store is announcing the launch of its “Poop Culture” line of pet accessories, which is “inspired by all things related to dog poop.”

The line includes doggy T-shirts reading “Poopstar,” “Poop, I did it again,” and “I Poop, U Scoop.”

I think these shirts will work best as disciplinary devices. If a few shouts of “bad dog!” or taps on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper won’t housetrain your puppy, perhaps humiliating it by forcing it to wear a T-shirt publicizing its messy bowel movements will.

But Australia and the United States are not the only countries that have gone crazy for caca.

Reuters reports that the gift shop of the New Delhi headquarters of India’s Bharatiya Janata Party has begun selling creams, lotions and other medicines made from the feces and urine of cows and elephants. Theses remedies are used to treat everything from diabetes to acne to PMS.

The idea to sell these items at the shop, which mostly carries T-shirts, pins and posters celebrating the BJP and touting its stances on various issues, was meant to show support for Indian agriculture, but the products have sparked a sensation in New Delhi.

“You won’t believe how quickly some of the products sold out,” manager Manoj Kumar said.

“The constipation medicine is a hot seller,” he added.

Putting crap in to make crap come out: Why didn’t anyone else think of that?

Anyway, I think the BJP’s decision to sell animal dung alongside political paraphernalia is genius and should be copied in the United States. There are many political groups in this country whose pins and bumper stickers would be highly appropriate to sell alongside huge hunks of manure.

Well, that is the scoop on poop. It can be used for paper products, pet humor and political fund raising. It can even lower your blood sugar, clear up your complexion, and ease your menstrual cramps if every other more medically proven remedy has failed.

So next time you see an animal dropping on the street or sidewalk, instead of squealing “eww,” look deeply at it and try to see the same wonder, magic and potential for business ventures that many innovative retailers around the world have seen.

E-mail Nick Keppler at [email protected].