Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Absorbent and yellow and… Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.

Spongebob Squarepants!

These are the words that invite children and stoned 20-year-olds everywhere into the colorful, undersea world of “Spongebob Squarepants,” a cartoon show starring a buck-toothed, wide-eyed poriferan.

Since 1999, the show has been Nickelodeon’s top-rated program. It has lead to countless merchandise, a feature film and, because we live in a totally insane time period, questions about the main character’s sexuality.

The Arizona Sun reports that Spongebob and his sidekick, Patrick Starfish, have become popular in gay culture, leading some red state-dwelling parents to fret about the true nature of their friendship.

The controversy heated up last month when James Dobson, founder of the right-wing, Christian group Focus on the Family, accused an educational video featuring Patrick and Spongebob of promoting something Dobson calls “the homosexual lifestyle.” The video encourages wide-ranging tolerance in public schools and features dozens of popular children’s characters singing the 1979 Sister Sledge song “We are Family.”

They may be romping to a disco hit, but it seems unlikely to me that a group of singing cartoon characters is secretly luring kids into a glittery Gomorrah.

But Focus on the Family’s Web site warns “tolerance and diversity” are “almost always buzzwords for homosexual advocacy.” This statement is ironic coming from a group that uses “family” as a buzzword for “eww … gay people.”

Anyway, Spongebob creator Stephen Hillenburg says that his slapstick characters are neither gay nor straight.

“I consider them to be almost asexual,” Hillenburg told Reuters. “We’re just trying to be funny and [sex] has got nothing to do with the show.”

This is not the first time the sexuality of a children’s entertainment icon has come into question. In 1997, televangelist Jerry Falwell deduced that Tinky Winky, a cheerful, purple glob from a TV show aimed at toddlers was “a gay role model.”

The trend goes back to psychiatrist Frederick Wertham’s 1954 anti-comic book manifesto “Seduction of the Innocent,” which argued that Wonder Woman was a man-hating lesbian, Batman was Robin’s sugar daddy and Superman was illustrated to heighten a bulge in his pelvis. Man of Steel, indeed.

Many of my less academically driven friends sometimes sit around and discuss gay undertones in their favorite childhood shows. Ever notice how the tough-talking Peppermint Patty bosses around the docile Marcie, how Bugs Bunny smooches Elmer Fudd or how Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble pal around together, avoiding their wives?

Speculating about the sexuality of children’s television characters is the only activity enjoyed by both bored stoners and uptight, Christian conservatives.

While undeniably pathetic, it is understandable why a right-wing leader, lost in a haze of homophobic paranoia, would lash out against a mildly eccentric cartoon character who is being used to teach (gasp) tolerance to kids.

I encourage the children’s entertainment industry to create more debatably gay characters — more Velmas, He-Mans, and Burts and Ernies — and more educational videos teaching tolerance, just so we can watch the moral crusaders, who claim to know the path to a better, more righteous lifestyle, stoop to the level of yelling at cartoon characters.

Nick Keppler accepts all gays and lesbians, even annoying, closeted sea sponges. E-mail him at [email protected].