I know this may come as a shock, but I could never be president. Of anything, really,… I know this may come as a shock, but I could never be president. Of anything, really, but specifically, president of the United States. I’m sure there are plenty more than these, but here are a few things that would disqualify me automatically.

I can be talked into anything. My answer to everything would be, “I’ll leave it up to you guys.” If I had to make any real decisions on my own, I would probably just curl up into the fetal position and cry.

I crack under pressure. People like to joke about George Bush possessing the orating skills of your average seventh grader, but I can understand where he’s coming from with some of those flubs. Unless it was spelled out on a TelePrompTer, word for word, I’d probably start making up words in speeches, too. I’d have to resort to the high school cheating method of writing notes on my hand.

My priorities are all mixed up. Sure, war is important. So is the economy, education and campaign finance reform. If I were president, though, I’d be more worried about fun stuff like creating more national holidays and getting mail delivered on Sundays. Also, what ever happened to tickertape parades? I would have to bring those back, too.

I can’t stay mad at anyone. Other countries would be able to walk all over the United States because I would forgive them for any wrongdoing about 12 hours after an incident occurred. They’d go from being an enemy to hanging out poolside at Camp David in no time.

I make fun of people entirely too much. Not a day would go by that I wouldn’t call some world leader a name, criticize his haircut, or make fun of his mother. Anything I was required to comment on would probably result in a bitingly sarcastic response. I don’t think this would go over very well with the public.

I’m way too easy to make fun of. It would take less than an hour for me to do something that would warrant a countrywide joke off. I do way too many things that are susceptible to ridicule, for instance, tripping over things that aren’t actually there. I don’t take jokes too well either, so it could get ugly.

I swear way too much. I’m going out a limb here, but I’ll assume that it wouldn’t be acceptable to use the more colorful words in the English language to describe the way I feel about people who piss me off. I wouldn’t be able to control this either – anyone who gets in my way would get a string of expletives long enough to go from here to California. Note to self: Telling people off is not an effective foreign policy.

I can’t function on the amount of sleep the president probably gets. I really, really love to sleep. It is one thing at which I can say for sure that I excel at. If I have to get up early and stay up late, I won’t be a happy camper. Either the free world’s start time will be pushed back to 2 in the afternoon or a Presidential Naptime will have to be instituted.

Despite my lightheartedness, I have the utmost respect for the office of the president, and for the man who holds that office. It’s an amazingly tough job, and obviously goes beyond the trivial things I’ve pointed out in an attempt to get a laugh. It has to be understood that being in the position of making the types of decisions he does isn’t easy – not just anyone can do it. We may not all agree with what he’s doing, but he deserves our support at the very least.

If Jen Giarrusso were president, she’d change the national anthem to “Jenny from the Block.” The Star Spangled Banner is so outdated. E-mail your suggestions to [email protected].