Satire Archives - The Pitt News

Satire | Holiday Cheer, and so can you!

By Raquel Padin-Nicholas, Staff Columnist • November 18, 2024

Trust me, I understand how hard the results of this election season were. Still, nothing says out of sight, out of mind quite like the avalanche of holidays that are about to hit us.

Satire | Top 10 Halloween Couples Costumes and What They Say About Your Relationship

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 28, 2024

More important than meeting the parents, more important than the Instagram hard launch and possibly more important than the wedding itself, is the couple’s Halloween costume. It tells more than you’d think about the state of a relationship — whether it’s in its playful beginning stage, the happy middle phase or the bitter ending state and everything in between.

Satire | The consequences of shrinkflation

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 25, 2024

At this point in the future, there have been thousands of recessions — which were really depressions — since the one in 2008. Inflation keeps raising prices.

Satire | America has the right to invade Cuba and should after they have expressed interest in joining BRICS

By Alex Jurkuta, Contributing Editor • October 25, 2024

With all of this open hostility from the Eastern-backed Cuban government, it has become clear that the only option for the United States to protect its sphere of influence is to engage in a three-day special operation in order to de-commify Cuba and protect the persecuted ethnic Americans.

Satire | Undecided voters having trouble choosing between Block of Wood and Baby Eater

By Thomas Riley, Opinions Editor • October 21, 2024

As the election draws near, many Pittsburgh voters are confident in their upcoming decision at the ballot box — but there is still a large sect of the population that can’t quite decide between their two options.

Satire | Spotted lanternflies’ morality and mortality

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 17, 2024

As Oakland residents know, in the warmer months, swarms of lanternflies litter the air and streets with their disgusting existence. They’re annoying, they try to fly in my eyes and mouth every time I step outside and they’re invasive, so we’re supposed to kill them.

Satire | Hinge hesitation and Bumble bumbles: Are they worth it?

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 3, 2024

Whether it’s Bumble, Hinge or nothing else — we’re talking dating apps here, not hooking up apps — I believe that there’s still hope for everyone to find the person they’re looking for. It just takes time.

Satire | Why you should indefinitely delay graduating and never join the job market

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Writer • September 24, 2024

Jobs suck. Everyone knows it. I hate my job, as did my father and his father before him.

Satire | Newly obtained Charlie Kirk diary entries reveal deep-seated inner turmoil

By Thomas Riley, Opinions Editor • September 23, 2024

The book, titled “Charlie’s Treasures,” turned out to be a secret diary where Kirk recorded his innermost thoughts throughout the duration of his tour. While our organization respects the sanctity of bedazzled journals with a little heart clasp, we feel the student body at least has a right to the information written the day Kirk came to the University of Pittsburgh.

Satire | Surviving studying abroad: Tips, tricks and tribulations

By Alaina McCall, Staff Columnist • September 19, 2024

OK, Mr. Moneybags. So you can afford studying abroad. Go off, king. Or, like me, you’ve got mad loans, so what’s just one more? So here’s my tried and tired and true method to not only survive your study abroad.