satire Archives - Page 8 of 9

Opinion | 5 ways to relieve stress through comedy

By Allison Dantinne, Senior Staff Columnist • April 21, 2019

When finals season rolls around, it’s hard to not feel the crushing weight of the world on your shoulders. It’s hard not to see your GPA in physical form, beating you over the head for taking a “What ocean sponge are you?” quiz instead of paying attention to the lecture.

Opinion | Serious March horoscopes

By Allison Dantinne, Senior Staff Columnist • March 21, 2019

Just some rigorous and serious March horoscopes. These are arguably the most accurate March horoscopes that can be found today.

Opinion | Market Impossible: 12 Hours in Market Central

By Allison Dantinne, Senior Staff Columnist • March 7, 2019

I spent from 9 a.m to 9 p.m. on Saturday in Market, learning about Market, coming to understand Market and, eventually, becoming Market.

Top 10: Reasons to cancel classes

By The Pitt News Editorial Board • February 1, 2019

From time to time, we may have to cancel classes — and here are 10 reasons why.

Opinion | Decent, good and chaotic: a glimpse into life on the Port Authority 71C

By Allison Dantinne, Staff Columnist • January 31, 2019

The public bus is an interesting gathering of Pittsburgh’s citizens, a demented family reunion featuring a wild cast of characters all wishing to achieve something and go somewhere.

Opinion | Ode to Rite Aid

By Maggie Koontz, Senior Staff Columnist • January 23, 2019

Going to pick up a couple of items should be pretty straightforward, and with Rite Aid, it totally is. Activities like dodging the scaffolding beams as I walk down the sidewalk and watching all those white plastic tarps flutter in the wind are just business as usual in Oakland.

Opinion | Accurate, peer-reviewed horoscopes

By Allison Dantinne, Staff Columnist • January 17, 2019

Do you use Apple Music? Do you enjoy it? Do you like to pop, and lock, and jam, and break? Reconsider this stance, Aquarius.

Opinion | 2019: New year, same me

By Allison Dantinne, Staff Columnist • January 7, 2019

Big goals don’t usually pan out. So instead of focusing on big changes that I’m not even sure will make me feel like a better, more interesting person, this year I made a list of fun and achievable goals.

Winter, the Oakland garbage pile of seasons

By Allison Dantinne, Staff Columnist • November 30, 2018

I’ve walked past a smashed-up pumpkin loitering on the sidewalk in front of my house several times a day in recent weeks. It reminds me of two things looming on the horizon, both of which I hate to think about — I am surrounded by other people’s garbage, and autumn is over.

House Hunters: Oakland Edition

By Allison Dantinne, Staff Columnist • November 15, 2018

There comes a time in every Pitt student’s life when even grilled-cheese day at Market doesn’t make your on-campus living experience any less dismal. You’re ready to move on to bigger and better things. You’re an adult. You want to make grilled cheese yourself, whenever you want it.