Top 10: Excuses for missing a final


Image via Wikimedia Commons

Cryptobranchus alleganiensis, the amphibian otherwise known as the hellbender.

It happens. We get it. As much as you want to go sit through hours of exams in lecture halls you haven’t seen so full since syllabus week, sometimes life just gets in the way. Here are the top 10 reasons you can give professors for why you missed your final that’s worth 30% of your grade.

  1. Looking at amphibians

Pennsylvania voted for the hellbender to be the official state amphibian on April 16. Instead of studying, look up photos of random amphibians and admire the superiority of the hellbender. When exam time rolls around, watch this video on repeat to hear these amphibian enthusiasts call the hellbender “snotty” multiple times.

  1. Stray cats in the yard

The garbage in South Oakland may be abundant, but so are the stray cats. Pitt doesn’t let non-service animals into classrooms, but you can’t abandon the cats. You have to wait for the cats to abandon you and your bowl of pretzels you thought they’d like.

  1. Waiting for the crosswalk

That crosswalk on Forbes Avenue is poorly timed and leaves us students waiting hours on end to cross the street. It’s even worse now that a painting crew has closed off the skybridge to apply some paint. Why couldn’t they wait until after finals week? If we miss a final, it’s thanks to that painting crew and that god-awful crosswalk.

  1. Getting cited for jaywalking on the crosswalk

Alright, so we tried dealing with the poor timing of the crosswalk by jaywalking, but this time, those coppers at Pitt police issued us a citation so now we’re even later. To make matters worse, none of our professors will allow us to take a final from the Pitt police holding cell. Next time, we’ll find somewhere else to jaywalk.

  1. It’s on a Saturday

Too many students know the feeling of logging into PeopleSoft and seeing the worst case scenario of finals week become a reality: a final on Saturday at 8 a.m. The dean might not let you change the time, but don’t fear, there’s an easier solution. Just don’t show up.

  1. Watching the falcon cam

Falcon Film isn’t a class at Pitt, but why not get ahead of the game and start watching the falcon cam now? Finals happen twice a year, but these falcons’ eggs are only going to hatch once.

  1. Moderate to severe intestinal distress

Market Central recently passed its health inspection, but with an average of seven violations per inspection in the last two years, you’re really playing the odds. If you’re about to leave for a biology final and you feel the rush of some undercooked Market tofu in your system, buckle up and hope for the best.

  1. You got lost in the void of Hillman

Time moves differently when you’re on the ground floor of Hillman sipping lukewarm coffee with whatever kind of milk the Cup and Chaucer has left. When you walk outside, it might be lunchtime, or it might be 2 a.m.

  1. Catching up on a racquetball paper

After changing your dish sponge for the week, head up to Trees Hall for your racquetball teacher’s office hours. The office hours might conflict with another class’s final, but sometimes you have to prioritize. One-inch margins, numbered pages and one space in between sentences, please. Be sure to include footnotes with your sources at the bottom.

  1. You already got your cap and gown

Those are the same as a diploma right? Why bother going to finals when you’ve already passed?

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