We hope our Panthers will beat Penn State in tomorrow’s football game, but we certainly aren’t willing to bet our student loans on it. Since this is the last game — for now — in the historic football rivalry, we think it’s time for some new Pitt-Penn State competition. Nittany Lions, save yourselves now and quit like Bret Stephens quit Twitter. Here are 10 new rivalry options where we’d beat Penn State.

10. Fancy buildings

Penn State has a nice building with a ringing bell, and Pitt has the tallest educational building in the United States with 31 Nationality Rooms and 2,529 windows. This contest is going to be a nail-biter.

9. Mascots

Look, we’re sure the Nittany Lion is a nice person and everything, but Roc the Panther is the guy who’s going to be the next Bachelor.

8. Heart transplants

People say that Creamery ice cream can cure anything, but we prefer the more scientifically sound route to treat things like heart failure. That’s why we have UPMC branches surrounding campus.

7. Location

When you’re a Pitt student, the City is your campus. When you’re a Penn State student, your entire town is your campus. Seriously, there’s nothing remotely fun in the surrounding areas, unless you’re into farmland and cows.

6. Naming towns

This one might be a little theoretical, but we’re pretty sure that if we had to name a town surrounding Pitt, we could come up with a better name than “State College.”

5. Philosophy

We don’t need the input of Thomas Hobbes or Aristotle to determine the best school for philosophy. Pitt’s Department of Philosophy is the best in the world. Penn State didn’t even crack the top 200.

4. Being the state “safety school”

When it comes to being the easier school to get into, we’d like to lose the competition. Luckily, we do. The average SAT score for Pitt acceptees is 1330, and the average GPA is 4.0. Subsequently, Penn State’s average SAT is 1267, and the average GPA is 3.6.

3. Number of former players in the NFL Hall of Fame

Pitt — eight. Penn State — six. Enough said.

2. Clown riots

Just to be nice, we’re going to add this just to give Penn State a freebie. There’s no college bonding experience like hundreds of students swarming the sidewalks to hunt for a fake clown. We’ve never tried, but we’ll take your word for it.

1. Curing polio

Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine in April 1955 at the University of Pittsburgh. At that time, more than half a million people were suffering from paralysis and even death. Newsweek called it “a summit moment in history.” We just call it a normal day at Pitt.